fb tracking
No Result
View All Result
BellyBelly
  • Home
  • Getting Pregnant
    • Conception
    • Two Week Diaries
    • Conception Calculator
      • Conception Calculator
      • Ovulation Calculator
  • Pregnancy
    • Pregnancy Articles
    • Pregnancy Week By Week
    • Pregnancy Symptoms
    • Pregnancy Calculator
      • Pregnancy Calculator
      • Reverse Due Date Calculator
    • Pregnancy Journals
      • Irene’s Pregnancy Journal
      • Pregnancy Diaries
      • Diary of Ambah article
      • Diary of Belinda article
      • Diary of Rachael article
      • Diary of Sherie
      • Diary of Janelle
      • Diary of Sharon
      • Diary of Lucy
      • Diary of Kathryn
      • Diary of Julie
    • Prenatal / Perinatal
  • Birth
    • Birth Articles
    • Doulas
    • Midwives
    • Birth Diaries
  • Mothers
    • Mother Articles
    • Post Natal/Post Partum
  • Baby
    • Baby Articles
    • Baby Week By Week
    • Star Signs For Baby
  • Sleep
    • Sleep
    • Conception Sleep
    • Pregnancy Sleep
    • Infant / Baby Sleep
      • Infant Sleep
      • Baby Sleep
    • Toddler Sleep
    • Weaning / Feeding Sleep
      • Feeding Sleep
      • Bottle Sleep
      • Formula Sleep
      • Weaning Sleep
    • Child Sleep
    • Adult / Family Sleep
      • Mothers Sleep
      • Fathers Sleep
      • Family Sleep
      • Cosleeping
  • Baby Names
    • Baby Names
    • Baby Boy Names
    • Baby Girl Names
    • Gender-Neutral Baby Names
    • Unique Baby Names
  • Breastfeeding
    • Breastfeeding Articles
    • Breastfeeding Week by Week
    • Lactation Cookies
  • Toddler
  • Child
  • Men/Dads
  • Parenting
  • Health Lifestyle
    • Health
      • General Health
      • Cooking & Recipes
      • Meal Planning
      • Exercise
    • Lifestyle
      • Family Travel
      • Relationships
      • Men/Dads
  • General
    • Forum
    • Product Reviews
    • Competitions
  • Advertise
  • Home
  • Getting Pregnant
    • Conception
    • Two Week Diaries
    • Conception Calculator
      • Conception Calculator
      • Ovulation Calculator
  • Pregnancy
    • Pregnancy Articles
    • Pregnancy Week By Week
    • Pregnancy Symptoms
    • Pregnancy Calculator
      • Pregnancy Calculator
      • Reverse Due Date Calculator
    • Pregnancy Journals
      • Irene’s Pregnancy Journal
      • Pregnancy Diaries
      • Diary of Ambah article
      • Diary of Belinda article
      • Diary of Rachael article
      • Diary of Sherie
      • Diary of Janelle
      • Diary of Sharon
      • Diary of Lucy
      • Diary of Kathryn
      • Diary of Julie
    • Prenatal / Perinatal
  • Birth
    • Birth Articles
    • Doulas
    • Midwives
    • Birth Diaries
  • Mothers
    • Mother Articles
    • Post Natal/Post Partum
  • Baby
    • Baby Articles
    • Baby Week By Week
    • Star Signs For Baby
  • Sleep
    • Sleep
    • Conception Sleep
    • Pregnancy Sleep
    • Infant / Baby Sleep
      • Infant Sleep
      • Baby Sleep
    • Toddler Sleep
    • Weaning / Feeding Sleep
      • Feeding Sleep
      • Bottle Sleep
      • Formula Sleep
      • Weaning Sleep
    • Child Sleep
    • Adult / Family Sleep
      • Mothers Sleep
      • Fathers Sleep
      • Family Sleep
      • Cosleeping
  • Baby Names
    • Baby Names
    • Baby Boy Names
    • Baby Girl Names
    • Gender-Neutral Baby Names
    • Unique Baby Names
  • Breastfeeding
    • Breastfeeding Articles
    • Breastfeeding Week by Week
    • Lactation Cookies
  • Toddler
  • Child
  • Men/Dads
  • Parenting
  • Health Lifestyle
    • Health
      • General Health
      • Cooking & Recipes
      • Meal Planning
      • Exercise
    • Lifestyle
      • Family Travel
      • Relationships
      • Men/Dads
  • General
    • Forum
    • Product Reviews
    • Competitions
  • Advertise
No Result
View All Result
BellyBelly
No Result
View All Result
Home Toddler

The Big Problem With Bribes, Rewards and Praise

Pinky McKay IBCLC
by Pinky McKay IBCLC
Last updated June 19, 2023
Reading Time: 5 min
The Big Problem With Bribes Rewards and Praise

Bribes, Rewards, Praise – Why It’s Not The Best Solution

“If you sit on the potty, you can have a chocolate.”
“Thank you for helping pack up the toys. Now we can go to the park.”
“I will get you the ice-cream now if you promise you will sit still in the doctor’s room.”

What Is The Difference Between a Bribe and a Reward?

A bribe is something offered before the task in order to get your child to do what you want him to do (so the first and third example are bribes). A reward (the second example) is something that happens after the event.

Does It Matter, As Long As It Makes Our Child Co-operate?

Well, that depends on what you are trying to teach him. Do you want a child who will only do things if there is something in it for him? Do you want to encourage your child to have an unreasonable sense of entitlement, to ask himself, ‘What’s in it for me?’ each time there is a job to be done?

Or would you like to teach your child that when he cooperates or works hard, he will feel satisfied by a job well done? That work comes before play? That it is good to consider everybody’s needs? And that because your tot has helped you, you feel pleased with him and perhaps now have energy and time to spend with him? Of course, some of these goals are beyond a toddler’s capacity to understand, but it is worth setting a pattern and developing a family culture around positive values.

Any one of us in a hurry or desperate to motivate our child can resort to bribery or rewards (or is that offering incentives?), but it does pay to be cautious about our own motivation and methods. It is perfectly reasonable to say, ‘When you are in your pyjamas we will have a story,’ or ‘When the toys are packed away, we can go to the park,’ but offering bribes, especially material goods, every time we want to enlist cooperation is likely to backfire.

Looking at the examples above, offering chocolate could cause your child to race to the potty every few minutes in order to get a treat, rather than learning to actually use the potty. And an ice-cream delivered before a visit to the doctor won’t motivate any child to live up to his promise of cooperation ” he has the prize, what does it matter? Besides, a toddler lives in the present: he doesn’t have the cognitive skills or impulse control required to think ahead, so he can’t be held to a promise, whatever the incentive.

Apart from the fact that children become wise and are likely to raise the stakes for bribery and rewards (read, ask for bigger incentives as they grow ” imagine wanting a Play Station if they kick a goal in their footy match!), they may eventually refuse to do a single thing unless there is something in it for them. Also, if you constantly give rewards for good behaviour or achievements, then one day when you don’t give a reward, your child may give up and stop trying. Even worse, when a reward is attached to every achievement, we devalue our child’s efforts because we are subtly telling him we didn’t think he was up to the task, and this is no help to his self-esteem.

At least most of the time, it’s best to allow your child to have the satisfaction of achieving a goal by simply acknowledging his efforts. Occasionally, you could offer a small reward that is a natural consequence of his cooperation. There is another principle at work here, too ” psychologists call it ‘intermittent reinforcement’, which means that giving occasional rewards as a surprise works better from a behavioural perspective than having your child expect a reward each time he does something wonderful. Being mindful of rewards (for effort, rather than achievement) and bribery (which comes before the deed so can have trade-offs, especially in the longer term) means that your child will be more likely to strive because he will be intrinsically motivated.

Dishing Out Praise

We like recognition for a job well done, and so do children. It is perfectly natural to delight in every little thing your toddler does ” he is cute and funny and is doing new tricks every single day, so how can you resist telling your child how clever he is?

Just as with rewards, though, we need to be cautious with praise. While a spontaneous, ‘Wow! What a clever kid!’ won’t do any harm, if you heap on the praise for every breath your child takes, you run the risk of setting up a ‘great expectations’ trap. This can mean that, as your child grows, he feels he has to keep performing to be accepted and loved. This can contribute to a fear of failure, which may mean that your child is so dependent on the approval of others that he may be afraid to try new things.

Positive Praise

Instead of gushing, ‘What a lovely painting!’ it is better to offer realistic compliments: admire the bright blue sky or the very wiggly lines or tell your child, ‘What a lot of colours you have used, I can’t wait to hang this up on the wall.’

Another positive way to offer praise without overdoing it is a process called ‘mirroring’ which involves naming exactly what a child has done. By mirroring back to your child what he or she has done (‘You have climbed five steps on the ladder, all by yourself!’, ‘You sat very quietly while I was talking to the nurse’), you are giving them tangible evidence of their efforts, not just empty words that may or may not be believable to them. You can extend mirroring to include a quality: ‘You are so patient for letting me talk without interrupting.’ Other examples could be: ‘Thank you for remembering to shut the car door. That was very responsible,’ or ‘Good sharing, that is so kind.’ This helps nourish your child’s identity so that he will begin to think of himself as a genuinely competent person, seeing himself as kind, responsible, generous, helpful, funny, strong and whatever other positive labels you choose to describe his efforts.

This positive praise is far more powerful than empty praise that can see your child undermined the first time another child says, ‘What a dumb block tower.’ Because your child will have tangible evidence that he really is competent, his self-esteem will not be dependent on constant recognition and he won’t crumple like a stack of blocks with the slightest hint of disapproval.

Another small but important caution about dishing out praise is to remember to notice your child ‘being good’. How often do we ignore ‘good’ (read, convenient) behaviour but notice the smallest mistake?

Recommended Reading

  • Toddler Tactics by Pinky McKay
  • Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn
Previous Post

Greenhouse Gas Reduction – Tips For Your Household

Next Post

Baby Engaged | Meaning, Symptoms And When It Happens

Pinky McKay IBCLC

Pinky McKay IBCLC

Pinky McKay is one of Australia's best known breastfeeding experts, she is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC), certified infant massage instructor and sought-after keynote speaker. Her books, including Parenting by Heart, are recommended by La Leche League International. She contributes to publications and websites including such U.S. sites as Attachment Parenting International, Pathways to Family Wellness, and Opposing Views. She runs a busy private practice in Melbourne and also supports clients around the world.

Next Post
Baby Engaged Meaning Symptoms And When It Happens

Baby Engaged | Meaning, Symptoms And When It Happens

Featured Articles

how to conceive a boy

How To Conceive A Boy | 6 Special Tips to Have A Baby Boy

Last updated 3 months ago
endometriosis stage

Endometriosis Stages | Understanding The 4 Critical Stages

Last updated 7 months ago

Authors

  • Amy Cameron, RM, IBCLC
    Amy Cameron, RM, IBCLC
  • Anne Macnaughtan
    Anne Macnaughtan
  • BellyBelly Ed
    BellyBelly Ed
  • Carly Grubb B.Ed (Primary) Hons.
    Carly Grubb B.Ed (Primary) Hons.
  • Darren Mattock
    Darren Mattock
  • David Rawlings
    David Rawlings
  • David Vernon
    David Vernon
  • Dawn Reid, EEPM CNCM MMID
    Dawn Reid, EEPM CNCM MMID
  • Deborah Cooper
    Deborah Cooper
  • Desiree Spierings
    Desiree Spierings
  • Sarah Buckley
    Sarah Buckley
  • Dr. Jack Newman MD FRCPC
    Dr. Jack Newman MD FRCPC
  • Dr. Thomas W. Hale
    Dr. Thomas W. Hale
  • Emily Brittingham, IBCLC, BHSc
    Emily Brittingham, IBCLC, BHSc
  • Emily Robinson
    Emily Robinson
  • Fiona Peacock
    Fiona Peacock
  • Gloria Lemay
    Gloria Lemay
  • Graham White
    Graham White
  • Heather Hack-Sullivan CPM, LDM, BS in Midwifery
    Heather Hack-Sullivan CPM, LDM, BS in Midwifery
  • Christopher Tang
    Christopher Tang
  • Irene Garzon BSc (Hons) Midwifery
    Irene Garzon BSc (Hons) Midwifery
  • Janet Powell
    Janet Powell
  • Jared Osborne
    Jared Osborne
  • Jennifer Block
    Jennifer Block
  • Joana Camato
    Joana Camato
  • Jordan Gray
    Jordan Gray
  • Kara Wilson
    Kara Wilson
  • Karen Wilmot RM, RYT, MAEd
    Karen Wilmot RM, RYT, MAEd
  • Kelly Rennie
    Kelly Rennie
  • Kelly Winder
    Kelly Winder
Tools and Features

Tools and Features

Get your birth education video

Get your birth education video

Join our Week by Week emails

Join our Week by Week emails

Get your free ebook

Get your free ebook

Belly Belly Logo

We’re passionate about women and men feeling informed, confident and prepared for pregnancy, birth and early parenting.

  • Home
  • Getting Pregnant
  • Pregnancy
  • Birth
  • Mothers
  • Baby
  • Health Lifestyle
  • Product Reviews
  • Pregnancy Symptoms
  • Pregnancy Week by Week
  • Baby Week by Week
  • Sleep
  • Baby Names
  • Breastfeeding
  • Toddler
  • Child
  • Parenting
  • Sleep Education Series
  • Breastfeeding Week by Week
  • Toddler Week by Week

OUR NETWORK

  • Belly Belly Logo
    bellybelly.com.au
  • Around the World Plus Kids
    www.aroundtheworldpluskids.com.au
  • Doula Training
    www.doula-training.com.au
  • About
  • Contact
  • Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • Advertise

© Copyright 2002–2025 BellyBelly, All Rights Reserved.

How To Raise Healthy, Happy Toddlers With Ease

Close
No Result
View All Result
  • Home
  • Getting Pregnant
    • Conception
    • Two Week Diaries
    • Conception Calculator
      • Conception Calculator
      • Ovulation Calculator
  • Pregnancy
    • Pregnancy Articles
    • Pregnancy Week By Week
    • Pregnancy Symptoms
    • Pregnancy Calculator
      • Pregnancy Calculator
      • Reverse Due Date Calculator
    • Pregnancy Journals
      • Irene’s Pregnancy Journal
      • Pregnancy Diaries
      • Diary of Ambah article
      • Diary of Belinda article
      • Diary of Rachael article
      • Diary of Sherie
      • Diary of Janelle
      • Diary of Sharon
      • Diary of Lucy
      • Diary of Kathryn
      • Diary of Julie
    • Prenatal / Perinatal
  • Birth
    • Birth Articles
    • Doulas
    • Midwives
    • Birth Diaries
  • Mothers
    • Mother Articles
    • Post Natal/Post Partum
  • Baby
    • Baby Articles
    • Baby Week By Week
    • Star Signs For Baby
  • Sleep
    • Sleep
    • Conception Sleep
    • Pregnancy Sleep
    • Infant / Baby Sleep
      • Infant Sleep
      • Baby Sleep
    • Toddler Sleep
    • Weaning / Feeding Sleep
      • Feeding Sleep
      • Bottle Sleep
      • Formula Sleep
      • Weaning Sleep
    • Child Sleep
    • Adult / Family Sleep
      • Mothers Sleep
      • Fathers Sleep
      • Family Sleep
      • Cosleeping
  • Baby Names
    • Baby Names
    • Baby Boy Names
    • Baby Girl Names
    • Gender-Neutral Baby Names
    • Unique Baby Names
  • Breastfeeding
    • Breastfeeding Articles
    • Breastfeeding Week by Week
    • Lactation Cookies
  • Toddler
  • Child
  • Men/Dads
  • Parenting
  • Health Lifestyle
    • Health
      • General Health
      • Cooking & Recipes
      • Meal Planning
      • Exercise
    • Lifestyle
      • Family Travel
      • Relationships
      • Men/Dads
  • General
    • Forum
    • Product Reviews
    • Competitions
  • Advertise

© Copyright 2002–2025 BellyBelly, All Rights Reserved.