Do you judge other peoples parenting?

[Glamourcide]

^ I definitely agree with that sentiment. I'm shameless enough to put my two cents' in when I see something that I think is *really* wrong, and that's not restricted to physical or sexual abuse - in my book, that poor child's (and his mother's) treatment by that man would count as clear emotional abuse and I would be sticking my beak in, regardless of what it did to my friendship with the people in question.

And in fact i know several kids who were CC'd and though they aren't all that close with their parents (which to ME is strange because i expect toddlers and young kids to still have a strong parental bond) they aren't criminals.

I get where you're coming from, but I really doubt that CCing or other small aspects of their parenting is what has led to the children not having a strong bond with their parents (of course, this is just my personal opinion, I don't know the people in question so of course you're free to tell me to shut my pipe and stay out of it!!). I think most of the time it comes down to the personalities of mum, dad and child, and parenting as a whole rather than 'I blame *this*' or 'You did *that* wrong'. Just for instance, DD has the closest bond I could imagine possible with DH and I, she adores us just as much as we adore her and she never, ever hesitates to come to us, to cuddle with us, to give us kisses and show her affection for us. We did do a small amount of CC with her, and we never co-slept (purely because DH and I are extremely heavy sleepers and I could never have forgiven myself if she'd ended up smothered or something while I was comatose, I know the evidence suggests otherwise but DH nearly suffocated her with his arm once when I popped her in our bed to go warm her a bottle so I never took the risk) or had much to do with the gentle parenting concept (we did lots of research but basically we picked and chose what we thought would work for us, and tried out different things when we thought some stuff wasn't working, I think at this point we don't fit any particular concept or mould, we just dabble in this and that and see what works well for us); but a friend of mine who co-sleeps, picks her DS up before he even realises he's about to cry, and generally follows most principles of this gentle parenting movement (she's never read a book in her life that she wasn't required to do an essay on, but her DP gets mad if the kid makes a peep so she kills herself to keep him quiet and happy), her gorgeous little boy is very standoffish, doesn't like being touched or spoken to and just generally gives me the idea he wants to be alone most of the time. He's been that way pretty much since birth, just as my DD has been a cuddly, happy, loving and giving baby since the day DH cut the cord - I think their bonds with parents and others in their little world has much less to do with parenting styles or techniques, and a lot more to do with their individual personalities as well as things like their environment. An example of that is that DD is allowed to explore her world and get into mischief, and learn her limits - my friend's DS is pretty much stuck in his high chair or on a playmat every waking moment and if he ventures further than arm's reach, he's promptly put back where he started. It would seem quite stifling, I imagine!! That, and my relationship with DH is pretty good the majority of the time, so DD is growing up in a relaxed, loving home where she can see that mummy and daddy care about each other as much as they care about her. Meanwhile, my friend's relationship with her partner is pretty rocky, and her partner shows very little interest in her and his son - the poor kid can't bond with his dad even if he tries because his father is more worried about his video games and hanging out with his friends!

I just think every person, and every child, is different, and while a lot of people may not agree with the way I do things with DD, they are entitled to that but would have to be blind to see that it isn't working for us. That's why I tend to stay away from forums where things I don't necessarily agree with are discussed - everyone is welcome to their choices and I support that all the way, but it's not my choice to follow suit, no matter how popular or not it is, so I don't go around passing judgment on people who are sure they are doing the best for their kids. Good on them, I say, especially if they are taking the time to research and keep up with new information so they can keep reevaluating their parenting techniques and evolve.

Like I said, you know the people you're talking about much better than I do, obviously, but I tend to not really include parenting techniques as a cause, reason or explanation for certain behaviour in children unless it is the *only* thing I can see wrong with their life.

[mbear]

Defn judge others...esp when i hear comments like that.....

"tamika, don't you fu**ing cross that road you little b*tch".

....yer, yer, i know, i may not know what has gone on in that mothers life 24hrs beforehand, 1wk beforehand.....god knows what brings her to say such things to a little person, but i do judge. I will then go home and tell my DH or tell a close friend but i would never say anything to their face...

Ive been on the receiveng end though - and have been judged myself. I left my 3 girls in the car (winter time last year, May or June i think) and i ran into the bakery right outside my car to get a loaf of bread and milk. I noticed 2 women standing near my car smoking....i kept an eye on my car, paid for my bread and got in my car. I was asked 'are they your kids?'....'yes' i replied.....'you know its illegal to park and leave your kids in the car - esp around this area, we work for DOCS and if we see you do it again, we will report you'. I was speechless, and let me tell you i felt like the dirtiest, scumiest mother in the world. I went home to DH and literally bawled. I felt so ashamed of myself, ashamed of what those people thought of me, ashamed that i DID leave my children in the car for albeit 40 seconds, i felt ashamed that the good, proud, sensibble mother i am, was not displayed that day in society.....i do keep this experience in mind when i see the behaviour of other mothers....but yes, i still do judge.....

[myson]

mbear. did you ask for ID? i bet they didnt work for DOCS. lying judgemental cows...

ok. yep im a judgemental cow. i admit it. and i am a perfectionist. which makes my standards unbelievable high, for myself and others. my house is SPOTLESS. (check for updates on that when this bay is mobile )and if you come to visit me and put your keys and bag down in the wrong place it will nag at the back of my mind until you pick them up to leave. its a hard way to live but its me.

but knowing i am a judgemental perfectionist, admitting it, living with it, that is what teaches me to keep my mouth shut! ( i am also afraid of confrontation)

and i have to say JOINING BB. AND READING THE POSTS ON ALL DIFFERENT SUBJECTS FROM SO MANY VARIED PEOPLE, HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON.

YES i am still judgemental, but the side of me that stops to look at the other side of the coin has also grown and developed too.

[Glamourcide]

^ I think that's the main thing, at the end of the day. There's a difference between jumping on your high horse and galloping around thinking you're superior to everybody else, and being judgmental of others when making those judgments leads you to either look at your own methods and question them (usually just to make sure you're doing what you think is right), or to at least look at other people and say, 'I might do it differently, but that's okay'.

I too have found this forum has really opened my eyes to some different points of view on certain things, I love having such a huge network of such different, unique women in such different positions and stages of their lives, all with ideas, experiences and advice to share with others.

[loulabelle]

Interesting thread, Have only skimmed over responses.

My answer is yes and no.In cases like you have described and a child is in danger, I do judge.I had a Friend who deliberately got pregnant at 18 to her heroine addicted boyfriend.I wont go into detail but the friends mother works for DOCS and now has permanent custody of the little girl.While I still try and be there for the friend because I know she is a good person underneath, I just cant understand her choices.I wish i didn't judge in these cases because I don't know the whole story and I really suspect mental illness in her case.
Apart from this, when I am talking about general parenting issues, schools, sleeping arrangement,food etc.I don't judge those different for me.Every parent ultimately loves there child and are doing the best thing for them.Just because co-sleeping works for me, I understand it doesn't for others etc.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Just a couple of questions:

Did everyone here seriously research all their parenting choices before they made them? I only researched some things after I started doing it (such as co-sleeping and baby-lead weaning) and I've never read anything on potty training, just going with the flow (so to speak) there. For the most part, I do what comes naturally. I'm fairly sure what I did last night was a no-no (climb into a cotbed and go to sleep, letting DS not have much space in his own bed!) but didn't research it ever.

And I agree that emotional abuse is horrid, but can we do much bar stick up for the child and love the child? I agree, that is the thing to do. But many parents don't realise the mistakes their parents made and just copy. My sister wants to be just like my mum with her potential children (poor things). It's a hard one for me to comment on. Obviously bullying parents should be stopped but many don't realise there's a problem at all. Most bullies don't.

[mbear]

mbear. did you ask for ID? i bet they didnt work for DOCS. lying judgemental cows...

....nope i didnt...i was like a school child being scolded, i jumped into my car and drove off, wanting to die and be buried right there and then.


I loved your post Myson BTW....i agree, i put an awful lot of high expectations on myself, and i expect others to be at that highest point. I know its ridiculous. Sometimes i am my own worst enemy, but i agree with your comment about BB making you a better person. I too have become less judgemental, and kinda figure 'each to their own..'.....