TTC AFTER Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth 2010

[SusieQ]

Hello to all

Sorry for going missing! Thought I would wait until we were actively TTC before posting again but after seeing Dory's post thought I would pop in to say hello.

Dory - so pleased to hear things are going well with you at the moment.
Cmeggles - looking forward to hearing the results of your Bermuda BD'ing. Babydust to you!
CharlieB - Completely understand how you are feeling. I was so incredibly nervous before seeing our OB for the same thing that I burst out crying as soon as our names were called! However, I left feeling much lighter once I had some answers. In hindsight it was actually a really big step on both my and DH's emotional recovery (which is obviously still ongoing!). Will be thinking of you.
I have been away too long for too many personals but a big hi to everyone else.

Well it took 2 months but I finally got my AF! It is much heavier than usual but I was told to expect that. Am going to wait until the end of my next cycle before starting the TTC rollercoaster again. I just want one normal cycle before trying again.

Am feeling much stronger emotionally lately. Don't know whether part of it is that my hormones have settled down now that my cycle has returned or whether my acupunturist has been weaving her magic but I am so thankful for whatever it is. Don't get me wrong I still have bad moments but the good ones are outweighing the bad each day.

Anyway, I will be back when the TTC journey starts again for me (not looking forward to the 2ww!)

Big hugs to everyone! Babydust to all on the TTC journey!!!

[TeniBear]

Charlie - My appointment's this Thursday for the same reason, I'm finding myself swinging wildly between "why won't it hurry the frick up?!?" and "I'm not going, there's no way you're making me go."

I'm so scared that Ianto was my one chance at having a baby. I have really badly irregular periods, a husband that never seems to be interested in DTD... I'm not sure I'm ever going to get pregnant again I keep daydreaming that I'll go along on Thursday and they'll tell me I'm right to start trying again, then I'll go home and do a HPT and get a positive straight away. But I know that's not likely. It's driving me crazy...

to everyone this coming week

[crumpet]

Hi ladies, Just wanted to pop in...
I love how supportive everyone is in here, it can be so isolating.
I have had 2 m/c last year, I don't seem to be able to make it past 5 wks!! The last one I started bleeding on my 5wk (20 Nov) & bleed for 5.5 wks... It was horrible, we were travelling, went to visit family for Christmas otherwise I think I would have demanded a D&C, on 26 Dec my HCG levels were 66...
Anyhoo, after that my cycles have changed, gone from 28 days to 26, very little CM... Last month I had 2 v faint Post. HPT 17DPO but 2 days after the last a BFN & then the sunday AF... So disappointing, but not sure if I should even included as a m/c b/c I keep telling myself I imagined the line.
So I decided to go see a doc and have my 1st apt tomoz w a FS... I am hoping to get some answers, but I guess I don't really know what to expect. I guess they cant tell me much until after tests?
what is the procedure? Has anyone seen a FS?
I think (self diagnosis) that I have low progestrone, but only from what I've read on the internet.
Anyhoo, I wish everyone a BFP soon and very sticky pregnancies...

i cant help with the FS questions but i hope u get some answers!

AFM - well excitement plus - I had my flu shot for the year this morning, after getting the all clear of course to proceed, and also about 5 mins ago my first nosebleed that wasn't from a physical trauma. I was talking to my mum on the phone and thought my nose was runny. Of course, no tissues to hand so I used the back of my hand ( I know, so so so gross) and was surprised to see blood. It was only a light bleed but the nostril that bled now feels really weird and fragile an snuffly. I am not surprised as this morning when I blew my nose there was a little blood in the tissue from the same nostril. It is a first for me though. I am not worried as it was light, stopped quickly and is common ( or so I have read). A bit of excitment for my day....

We had family stay with us late last week. It was good to see them, and it really broke up the monotony of being at home by myself. The other good news was that the cats, instead of hiding under the bed, were in fact "pat tarts". They were snuggling up to our visitors for pats and one cat even slept on my nephews legs all night. He loves cats but is quite allergic. Thank god for zyrtec! But that is what kept me away since Thursday.

And I am still eating chocolate. I don't think it will ever end....

Apart from that, all good here. Inching closer, moment by moment.

hun.......

glad to hear all is going well!!!

can i ask and PLEASE IGNORE IF U DONT WANT TO TELL ME did u have ur stitch done with a spinal tap and light sedation???
im just interested to see what ill be in for!!!

Hi everyone,

Sorry to have been MIA but we have just returned from our holiday. We were away 10 days so no computer! Belated Happy easter to you all!

I was thinking of you, hope you have all been ok I'll try and read through everything to catch up and do some personals later.

We have our hospital appointment this week to get our little boys post mortem results back and discuss where we go from here. I'm quite nervous about it, I'm really hoping that they give us the green light to conceive again. (not that we have been preventing!)

Take care ladies - I'll pop back after some more catch up reading !!
xx

hope u had a fab time!!!

good luck with ur appt!!!

Well it took 2 months but I finally got my AF! It is much heavier than usual but I was told to expect that. Am going to wait until the end of my next cycle before starting the TTC rollercoaster again. I just want one normal cycle before trying again.

hun i was the same when we went for our appt 2 weeks later and we walked in and sat down and my OB walked out of the office i was fighting back the tears like u wouldnt believe!!!!!

yayyy for AF finally appearing!!!!
we were advised to wait to cycles to try again, we didnt but didnt fall preg either so im now on par with what my OB suggested in terms of TTC again....

Charlie - My appointment's this Thursday for the same reason, I'm finding myself swinging wildly between "why won't it hurry the frick up?!?" and "I'm not going, there's no way you're making me go."

I'm so scared that Ianto was my one chance at having a baby. I have really badly irregular periods, a husband that never seems to be interested in DTD... I'm not sure I'm ever going to get pregnant again I keep daydreaming that I'll go along on Thursday and they'll tell me I'm right to start trying again, then I'll go home and do a HPT and get a positive straight away. But I know that's not likely. It's driving me crazy...

to everyone this coming week

good luck hun...... it will be hard but im sure u will get through it.....
will be thinking of u......
hmmm DH makes it hard to TTC hey..... maybe sit down and talk to him bout it?

[Gigi1]

Sorry I haven't been in much girls. I find keeping up with this beloved thread a little stressful atm as i can't keep up very well and feel like my personals and responses are not well thought through. The perfectionist in me is struggling with that and my need to be sincere. So apologies for not being in here to keep up to date as i did before. I will do what I can. I don't like to forget anyone and invariably do often...argh!

TUP- So sorry hun and welcome to our little thread. I wish I could help you but my circumstances were different. I am sure there will be someone in here that can shed some light for you. The ladies here are lovely and been through some tragic experiences. I hope you find the support you need in here and some much needed answers.

Dory- I had nose bleeds too hun...only in pregnancy. It was pretty full on and a bit of a shock but normal i thought. I had about 3 and quite heavy but would stop on their own. But yeah, feels a bit weird and clogged up afterwards. I didn't like that feeling and would try to blow it out. Nice!
How lovely for you to have the week you have had, having the family around and the cats being social. I nice break and uplift for you. Now...back to resting love! It was great to hear what you have been up to and great to know you are doing ok. xoxo

Charlie B- Welcome back sweet and hope the holiday did you some good. Good luck this week for the Ob appointment. It will most definitely be hard but you will handle it well, how ever you do. I hope you find the answers you need to. xx

SusieQ- Congrats on AF turning up. Blah...that it is heavier. Mine was lighter....go figure. I am not sure if you can ever have an expectation sometimes, we are all that bit different hey. Goodluck for the plans ahead TTCing and all. xox

Teni Bear- Good luck sweety for this week. I am sure is will be devastating all over again but I know you will handle it the best you can. Will be thinking of you and sending you and Charlie B strength. xoxo

Crumpet- Good Luck and thinking of you TTCing.

Cmegles- Hope you are enjoying your little getaway...to us in Aus it sounds so fancy and exotic but to you I am sure it is like going to beach for the week. We are impressed and I am sure it is just what you need right now. Good luck hunxoxo

Angelicdragon- Hope you got to do what you planned eventually for Annabelles 8th. You have done this for so long, missed and loved your angel child. It is of comfort to know and see this, your actions and love 8 years down the track. Right now, as I reach DD's 1st year, I can not fathom what that must be like. You are a strong woman. xox (nice to meet you)

Aries- Hope you are doing ok hun.

Chez- Hope you are doing ok too. Thinking of you. xox. Been thinking of Ryan a bit lately and hoping DD and he have found each other to play. xoxo

So sorry to have missed anyone and my heart and thoughts go with you.

AFM- Just trying to take a couple of days to myself here. A little stressed and trying to get through with my anxiety playing havoc a bit. I am doing ok just a bit too much right now. A week tomorrow until DD's anniversary of her birth and official death. A week until my SIL give birth. Been up to the hospital to see a friend and her baby. My other SILs baby shower just gone on sunday. I am having to deal with a lot right now and it is constantly on my mind. I am going through a stage where i want to step out for a bit. I want a break, pause button on life etc. I tis too much.
I have also invited the pregnancy photography into my life and it has become a focus of mine. It allows me to get close but removed. Looking at them through the lens of a camera allows me to see it as art, light, shadow, composition. Editing...is another thing entirely and I have to do that in bursts. Arghhh, it is so so hard but I am driven by the fact that i never got to have this and I would hate someone else to be in my shoes and have that regret. I didn't take any nice shots before DD was born. I planned to and then she died and I felt wrong about it. I wish someone would have encouraged me more to do it and be ok with it. I wish I had those shots instead of a handleful of everyday photos, crying, putting make up on...a new outfit. So i am trying to give that to my friends and SILs. I love photos but no everyone does. It is one of those things. They can not develop any if they don't want. But they are there if they want. I have found that they have discovered their beauty all over again in pregnancy. It has lifted their confidence and allowed them to embrace the miracle that little bit more. It is amazing what it does for our confidence to see just one good shot of ourselves....even if it takes a 100 to get it.

Dory, I know you are a Brivegas girl. If you ever want me to take photos of you, please say hun. I would love to do that for you...if that is something you want. I will leave it with you. It is not for everyone.
Anyway, better be off and have a shower....i know 11am and still stinky!
Love to all and thanks for listening.

[dory]

Gigi - sweetie I know that feeling - "stop the world I want to get off... just for a while". I know you're busy and you have a lot on. Especially this coming week. I just got a delivery of some story boards from an outdoor photo shoot that DH and I had late last year. My idea to celebrate us as a couple so we could realise just how beautiful and strong we are. The photos are great. One of my regrets, like you is not having nice photos of pregnancy. I like you was going to get to it. It is such a gift, and when its taken away, its hard to remember just how beautiful it was. I am hoping to get just abit more along before I do something about it. I know that by waiting I risk losing, but am just not ready just now to take the plunge. Who would think having some photos taken can be such a big thing? Thankyou, sincerely, for your offer. I will let you know. You'd have to travel because travelling is beyond me for a while.

Susie - glad you had AF turn up. I must have forgotten you weren't going to post until you were TCC. Look forward to hearing fromyou again soon. The month will fly......

Crumpet - I was under a general anaesthetic. Obviously it was relatively light considering I didn't need to be under for a long time. I asked the Ob and that's how he does them. I then read a blog about a woman who had one done under spinal tap, and I decided to be honest I would rather not know, and not be aware that my legs were waving in the air with my naff exposed. There is a big difference between a theoretical knowledge and actual knowledge of something. There is so much indignity about the tcc journey, that I was happy to blissfully unaware of how it all actually happened. It's a bit like sausages - I quite like them, but I really prefer not to see them made. The frequent internal exams I get to have now are undignified but helpful to reaching the goal. I am really glad I was in the land of nod for the suture is all I can say. But other people might like to feel they are participating.

Charli - glad your hols were good.

[dory]

Charli & Teni - good luck with your appointments.... it's ok to be scared. Big hugs.

[CharlieB]

Hello again ladies,

I'm back after doing some reading and catching up!

Dory - thanks for the good wishes for Thursday, and for asking about me when I was away, was so sweet of you I'm glad to read that things have been going along smoothly for you - apart from the nose bleeding incident!!

Gigi - I'm so sorry that you're finding things a bit tough. I'm sure it is understandable with your DD's anniversary coming up. I will be keeping you in my thoughts over the next week and beyond. I think it is a very valuable thing that you are offering with your photography - I am one of those ladies that now regrets not having any photos of myself while I was carrying my little boy. And in regards to keeping up with the thread - I think your posts are inspiring and I always look forward to them.

hi crumpet - the "sexytime overload train" must me close to arriving at the station hey? LOL, enjoy

TeniBear - how funny that our appointments are on the same day - I will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes through cyberspace for you! I know how you feel about swinging emotions. Hopefully you and DH can work things out in regards to TTC.

Hi SusieQ! yay for AF arriving, I'm glad to hear that yu are having some better and more positive days. hopefully we can keep you sane during the 2ww!!

I'm going to save this and post again - I'm scared by laptop will crash......

[CharlieB]

hmm where was I...

cmeglles - I hope that time flies until Bermuda, hopefully the sunshine is helpful to you, and huge amounts of for a holiday baby!! I hope the 2ww goes quickly, I will be thinking of you and your little angel on the 27th.

Aries - sorry to hear that the scans where not waht you hoped. hopefully the weight loss path gives you something to focus on and that you get some good results from it.

blessed - congratulations on your exam results, clever chicken!

hi to chez, angelicdragon and anyone else I may have missed. and congratulations beata on little Cameron.

I'm really sorry if I've missed anyone or any news, will just try and keep up from here.

AFM - I'm fairly sure that I ovulated on monday, so I guess I'm back in the 2ww, I can't believe I am back to this point again, you know? Much as I would love a BFP this cycle I doubt I could get that lucky, but I guess I have just been really UNlucky, so maybe I'm due some luck!

Other than that trying not to worry about the results on Thursday, and I am feeling a tad guilty that we were TTC before our follow up visit - they kind of said that maybe I should prevent til now to let my body recover. But I really feel that waiting longer wouldn't have acheived much, if my body is ready it is ready. enough of the rambling!

Take care everyone,
xx

xx

[crumpet]

Crumpet- Good Luck and thinking of you TTCing.


AFM- Just trying to take a couple of days to myself here. A little stressed and trying to get through with my anxiety playing havoc a bit. I am doing ok just a bit too much right now. A week tomorrow until DD's anniversary of her birth and official death. A week until my SIL give birth. Been up to the hospital to see a friend and her baby. My other SILs baby shower just gone on sunday. I am having to deal with a lot right now and it is constantly on my mind. I am going through a stage where i want to step out for a bit. I want a break, pause button on life etc. I tis too much.
I have also invited the pregnancy photography into my life and it has become a focus of mine. It allows me to get close but removed. Looking at them through the lens of a camera allows me to see it as art, light, shadow, composition. Editing...is another thing entirely and I have to do that in bursts. Arghhh, it is so so hard but I am driven by the fact that i never got to have this and I would hate someone else to be in my shoes and have that regret. I didn't take any nice shots before DD was born. I planned to and then she died and I felt wrong about it. I wish someone would have encouraged me more to do it and be ok with it. I wish I had those shots instead of a handleful of everyday photos, crying, putting make up on...a new outfit. So i am trying to give that to my friends and SILs. I love photos but no everyone does. It is one of those things. They can not develop any if they don't want. But they are there if they want. I have found that they have discovered their beauty all over again in pregnancy. It has lifted their confidence and allowed them to embrace the miracle that little bit more. It is amazing what it does for our confidence to see just one good shot of ourselves....even if it takes a 100 to get it.

thanks hun...

hopw everything settles down i know what u mean with so many things t odeal with. things get very hard

Crumpet - I was under a general anaesthetic. Obviously it was relatively light considering I didn't need to be under for a long time. I asked the Ob and that's how he does them. I then read a blog about a woman who had one done under spinal tap, and I decided to be honest I would rather not know, and not be aware that my legs were waving in the air with my naff exposed. There is a big difference between a theoretical knowledge and actual knowledge of something. There is so much indignity about the tcc journey, that I was happy to blissfully unaware of how it all actually happened. It's a bit like sausages - I quite like them, but I really prefer not to see them made. The frequent internal exams I get to have now are undignified but helpful to reaching the goal. I am really glad I was in the land of nod for the suture is all I can say. But other people might like to feel they are participating.

hmmm i do like the sound of a GA rather than a spinal tap and sedation like my OB recommends..... i agree id rather not know who is looking up my whooo harr....

hi crumpet - the "sexytime overload train" must me close to arriving at the station hey? LOL, enjoy

it stops at all stations let me tell you!

AFM - I'm fairly sure that I ovulated on monday, so I guess I'm back in the 2ww, I can't believe I am back to this point again, you know? Much as I would love a BFP this cycle I doubt I could get that lucky, but I guess I have just been really UNlucky, so maybe I'm due some luck!

Other than that trying not to worry about the results on Thursday, and I am feeling a tad guilty that we were TTC before our follow up visit - they kind of said that maybe I should prevent til now to let my body recover. But I really feel that waiting longer wouldn't have acheived much, if my body is ready it is ready. enough of the rambling!

Take care everyone,
xx

xx

got everything crossed for a BFP for u hun!!!

good luck at ur appt today......

AFM: well its just not happening for me right now......
the job i got as a nanny has fallen through and now im a wreck all over again....i was looking forward ot having something to do and having a distraction and well it not there now......
am going to try to get into contact with the lady who looked after us after i delivered Gus to see if she can help me organise some councelling or soemthing but im a sobbing mess all over again..... its been 4 months and i keep thinking i should have my ***** together by now but clearly what im doing isnt working so i guess its time to get some help of some sort.

[CharlieB]

AFM: well its just not happening for me right now......
the job i got as a nanny has fallen through and now im a wreck all over again....i was looking forward ot having something to do and having a distraction and well it not there now......
am going to try to get into contact with the lady who looked after us after i delivered Gus to see if she can help me organise some councelling or soemthing but im a sobbing mess all over again..... its been 4 months and i keep thinking i should have my ***** together by now but clearly what im doing isnt working so i guess its time to get some help of some sort.

I'm so sorry Crumpet.

I understand how this would have thrown you off though. I had actually started to wind down in our business before we lost the bub, and had even hired a new member to replace myself in the roster. Which now leaves me with no baby and no real purpose at work. Its really tricky having to completely re-write the plan for the next year of my life (or more), when I was so excited about being a mum. So I think feeling lost after the nanny position fell through is completely understandable.

I also have been been seeing a councellor after our loss, it has been SO helpful for me - I really recommend that you look into it.

[crumpet]

I'm so sorry Crumpet.

I understand how this would have thrown you off though. I had actually started to wind down in our business before we lost the bub, and had even hired a new member to replace myself in the roster. Which now leaves me with no baby and no real purpose at work. Its really tricky having to completely re-write the plan for the next year of my life (or more), when I was so excited about being a mum. So I think feeling lost after the nanny position fell through is completely understandable.

I also have been been seeing a councellor after our loss, it has been SO helpful for me - I really recommend that you look into it.

thanks hun.....

ive emailed the lady who looked after us at the hospital to see where to go from here so hopefully soon ill be seeing someone....

i think the having nothing to look forward to is the hardest.....
itsmy birthday next week and i should have been fat and preg at my birthday but now i have nothing

[dory]

Crumpet - what's a girl to do? I wish I could just wave my magic wand ( I do have one though, but I think the magic smoke escaped) to ease your pain and give you back your self confidence.

Who would think that 4 months can feel like eternity? But it does and doesn't. Honestly you are still so early on, give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself.

At the same time, counselling sounds like it might help. Sometimes in our grief we get stuck, and need someone else to help us realise what we are stuck on and give us some ideas about how to get unstuck. I hope the lady at the hossy comes through.

I suppose the thing you need to hold close to your heart, is that you are a beautiful and strong woman, who has so much to offer all of those around you. I know it doesn't feel like that.

You are worthy of love, an in fact have been given the gift and heartache of the most wonderous kind.

I know at these times Gus seems so far away, but close your eyes, take a few moments, and reach out, he will be there, and he loves you. It doesn't take away the hurt, but sometimes just connecting like that really helps me. Maybe it might help you.

Big hugs sweetie. I believe in you.

[crumpet]

Crumpet - what's a girl to do? I wish I could just wave my magic wand ( I do have one though, but I think the magic smoke escaped) to ease your pain and give you back your self confidence.

Who would think that 4 months can feel like eternity? But it does and doesn't. Honestly you are still so early on, give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself.

At the same time, counselling sounds like it might help. Sometimes in our grief we get stuck, and need someone else to help us realise what we are stuck on and give us some ideas about how to get unstuck. I hope the lady at the hossy comes through.

I suppose the thing you need to hold close to your heart, is that you are a beautiful and strong woman, who has so much to offer all of those around you. I know it doesn't feel like that.

You are worthy of love, an in fact have been given the gift and heartache of the most wonderous kind.

I know at these times Gus seems so far away, but close your eyes, take a few moments, and reach out, he will be there, and he loves you. It doesn't take away the hurt, but sometimes just connecting like that really helps me. Maybe it might help you.

Big hugs sweetie. I believe in you.

thanks dory......

ur a very sweet and insprirational person.....

[dory]

crumpet - big hugs

[blessedatlast]

Hi Everyone.. I am really sorry, no personals, I have had a quick read through though and wanted to say Crumpet I completely agree with Dory, the wise woman she is

Who would think that 4 months can feel like eternity? But it does and doesn't. Honestly you are still so early on, give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself.

.. big hugs to you and who ever else may need it including me .. AF arrived, but it's probably just as well, DP and I are at each others throats again.. I feel so guilty for still TTC when our relationship is in MAJOR trouble 1 postive, we saw a counsellor at Relationships Aus last night.. AWESOME AWESOME she was.. ATM we are still living together but seperated.. I can't believe I am writing this in a public forum, but I really feel like I know and can trust you all.. Well That's it from me, for now.. I'm cooking dinner and having a red wine..

[angelicdragon]

every time I get here and try to post the world collapses around me so I'll try one night around 3am and hope for quiet.
hugs

[crumpet]

crumpet - big hugs

thanks hun

Hi Everyone.. I am really sorry, no personals, I have had a quick read through though and wanted to say Crumpet I completely agree with Dory, the wise woman she is .. big hugs to you and who ever else may need it including me .. AF arrived, but it's probably just as well, DP and I are at each others throats again.. I feel so guilty for still TTC when our relationship is in MAJOR trouble 1 postive, we saw a counsellor at Relationships Aus last night.. AWESOME AWESOME she was.. ATM we are still living together but seperated.. I can't believe I am writing this in a public forum, but I really feel like I know and can trust you all.. Well That's it from me, for now.. I'm cooking dinner and having a red wine..

im so so sorry to hear of the issues your having.....
i really hope the councelling works for you..
im just emabrking on a councelling journey myself....

every time I get here and try to post the world collapses around me so I'll try one night around 3am and hope for quiet.
hugs

for u to hun

[dory]

Blessed - oh sweetie - I am so glad that your counsellor was awesome. Makes such a difference to have somone you really connect with. Sorry to hear that you and DP are still doing it tough, I hope there is some light for you guys. Both you and DP must feel that way else you both wouldn't be TCC. Sweetie, in here is mostly annonymous, and even though its open to the public to read, most people are not going to know who you are, and sometimes it feels like there is just no where else that you can vent or express those the things that are on your mind. I have faith in you.

Angelic - Hope the world stops collapsing around you long enough one day soon. Thinking of you.