Surviving The First Trimester: 10 Things You’ll Need [Humour]

Surviving The First Trimester: 10 Things You'll Need [Humour]

The first trimester will not be easy. It’s like pregnancy bootcamp.

Sure, the last trimester is uncomfortable and looong, but the first trimester is riddled with all manner of unbearable symptoms.

Take morning sickness, for example, the gift that just keeps on giving. Not only can you not enjoy the food you so desire, but anything you do eat could force its way back up at any moment. It’s pretty hard to enjoy food when you’ve seen it in reverse.

Then there’s first trimester fatigue, the curse that will see you fast asleep by about 8pm most nights in the first trimester. Oh, and don’t expect any sympathy because you decided to keep the pregnancy secret for a while, so everyone just thinks you’re whiney, tired and irrational.

Surviving The First Trimester

Here are 10 things you need to make it through the first trimester:

#1: A Love Of Greenery

If you have an inbuilt love of greenery, shrubs and nature then that’s great. It will serve you well whilst you’re barfing in bushes for 12 weeks. Oh yes, prepare to throw up in some very weird places. By the time you enter the second trimester, you’ll have thrown up in a park bush, a public bin and your handbag. And you’ll have puked into your own toilet approximately seventy trillion times. Pregnancy is very glamorous.

#2: Catch Up TV

Erm, to put it nicely, you are going to be asleep before your favourite program starts every night until the second trimester. Pregnancy fatigue will leave you unable to do anything but work, get home and collapse on the sofa. It won’t matter how desperately you want to stay up, whether it’s the finale of your favourite tv show or your best friend’s 30th birthday party, you will sleep through it.

The only way to survive is to invest in an on demand tv option that allows you to watch television shows at your convenience. Obviously you’ll still probably fall asleep on them, but at least you can pause them for a quick catnap.

#3: Access To Google

How did people survive pregnancy before the internet? Truly, how? How could you know everything you need to do if you couldn’t simply type a question into a search bar. What would reassure you in the middle of the night when you woke up worried about something to do with the pregnancy? You’d have to carry around a selection of those huge hardback guides to pregnancy with you at all times to have even just a tiny percentage of the information available online.

Thankfully, you’re alive in modern times and can enjoy the benefits of a modern pregnancy; namely Google and salted caramel ice-cream.

#4: A Poker Face

If you’re keeping your pregnancy secret for the first trimester, you’ll need to practice your poker face. If you’re hoping to keep close friends and colleagues out of the loop, you’ll need to perfect your performance when it comes to not looking knackered and nauseas.

Or you could just go down the traditional route and blame it on a hangover. If you’re attending parties and celebrations with alcohol, you’ll need a good excuse as to why you’re not drinking. Even so, people might be suspicious and that’s why you’ll need a good poker face.

#5: To Work From Home

You know what’s awesome when you’re pregnant? Wearing pyjamas all day. Nothing is comfier than pyjamas. Whether you’re falling asleep at your desk, racing to the toilet to throw up your falafel wrap or making your way to the water cooler for yet another glass of water, pyjamas are the way to go.

Now, unfortunately, if you work in, say, an office, retail outlet or factory, you probably won’t be allowed to wear pyjamas to work. The obvious exception to this rule is some kind of fundraising event where staff are invited to wear pyjamas to work, but this is unlikely to last the entire first trimester. As such, you’ll need to work from home if you’re ever to achieve the pregnancy dream of always wearing pyjamas.

#6: A Lifetime Supply Of Toilet Roll

As early as a few weeks after conception, you may notice an increase in how often you pee. As your growing uterus puts pressure on your bladder, you might find yourself dashing to the toilet more frequently. The good news is this will ease off soon as your uterus grows and changes position inside you, the it’ll stop putting pressure on your bladder. Until later in pregnancy.

The bad news is this experience will be back with a vengeance as soon as the baby is big enough to play leap frog on your bladder. During the first trimester, though you may not look any different on the outside, your uterus is already taking up extra space inside you. And as a result, you’ll need to remortgage your house to buy all the toilet roll.

#7: An Understanding Boss

Even ignoring the fact that you’ll be falling asleep in meetings, peeing at every opportunity and no longer offering to do the coffee shop run for your team, you might not be at your most professional this trimester.

As your brain goes into overdrive thinking of all things pregnancy related, you may find it a little difficult to concentrate on everyday work tasks. After all, how can you focus on sales targets when you’re trying to think about baby names, worrying about how your boss will respond to the news and searching online for adorable nursery décor?

#8: The Ability To Sleep-Pee

Pregnancy fatigue isn’t helped by the fact that you now need to pee every fifteen minutes. Frustrating as that can be during the day, it’s definitely worse at night. You might find that you’re woken up repeatedly during the night because you need to visit the bathroom, and it might take you a while to get back to sleep after.

To survive the first trimester without looking like a zombie, you need to develop the ability to sleep-pee. It’s a bit like sleep-walking but you head straight to the bathroom, relieve yourself and then head back to bed without losing a wink of sleep.

[Warning: not to be confused with wetting the bed which will almost certainly wake you up and probably won’t impress your partner].

#9: Nerves Of Steel

The first trimester isn’t for the faint hearted. As you desperately await your 12-week scan, you can be forgiven for worrying that perhaps you’re not pregnant at all. I mean, it would be pretty embarrassing for you to turn up at the scan only to be told that you were never pregnant and must have simply made the whole thing up in your head, right? You will need nerves of steel to make it through the first trimester without worrying yourself sick. Oh, and don’t forget, stress is bad for the baby so try not to feel stressed about how much time you spend worrying…

#10: All The Excuses

If you’re keeping the pregnancy secret, you’re going to need a lot of excuses to guide you safely through the first trimester. You’ll need believable excuses you can whip out to explain any potential pregnancy mishap. Why aren’t you drinking? Urinary tract infection. Why did you fall asleep when I was showing you my holiday photos? So partied out after last night. Why were you sick on my cat? Must have eaten something dodgy. Why didn’t you make it to my engagement party? Kidnapped.

Recommended Reading: Check out BellyBelly’s list of 10 Must-Have (Imaginary) Inventions For All New Parents

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Fiona Peacock is a writer, researcher and lover of all things to do with pregnancy, birth and motherhood (apart from the lack of sleep). She is a home birth advocate, passionate about gentle parenting and is also really tired.

One comment

  1. This was very helpful,I did a pregnancy test two weeks ago twice and all were positive,but today I have a period like bleeding and not severe cramps which is worrying me,is it normal?

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