When a couple first starts a relationship, they really enjoy the time they spend together. They love discovering the other person and, what’s even better, each partner discovers a new ‘self’ that the relationship reveals.
As part of a couple, you love who you are when you’re with your partner, to the point where, in most cases, you decide to have a child with the person who makes you feel that way.
The years that follow are intense and full of demands from tiny human beings, who are totally dependent on you for a long time. You cope as well as you can with your sex and intimacy completely readapted. Both of you dream of recovering your great loving life, once your children are older and now it’s finally happening!
Let’s discuss how you can claw back some of that lost sex and intimacy or find a new way.
Sex and Intimacy – Empty nest syndrome
Parenting a child is intense and lasts what seems like an eternity. Many parents focus mainly or exclusively on their kids, thinking that they, or their partners, no longer need connection or intimacy. Maybe the a lack of intimacy is as a result of their feelings about sex.
Honestly, though, since becoming parents, for many there’s been little time or energy for a healthy sexual or intimate relationship, or even to keep up with a strong emotional connection with a space for just the two partners.
To keep a healthy relationship while parenting is challenging!
Most new parents enter parenthood really unprepared, despite the enormous amount of preparation they think they have done. As a new parent, you think you’ll adjust and this madness that seems to be your life at the moment will come to make some sense at some point. You think you’ll finally get the hang of it and soon be able to listen to your sex drive again and have room to enjoy more intimacy.
This feeling new parents have usually lasts until the children leave home and it’s finally just the two of them again. The change has been so huge and the longing for this time has been so persistent that many couples find it quite daunting to be just two again. Even couples with a strong, healthy relationship will need time to adjust and adapt to this new situation.
This period of adaptation is called the ’empty nest syndrome’ and it happens to all parents when their kids grow up and leave home.
How do you keep romance alive in marriage after kids?
Alongside the grieving associated with your kids leaving, you will also feel ready and excited about what is to come. This is a new stage for just you and your partner.
It’s a time to start reconnecting, talking, holding hands and being friends. It’s a time to pamper each other and your romantic relationship.
You might feel you’re unprepared or that you don’t know how to do it anymore but, with a few ideas, you’ll be able to regain that romantic spark and enjoy this life transition.
Start slow, surprise your partner by organising a date night. Take your partner somewhere special, where you have to prepare and dress up. You might want it to be a surprise and just tell your partner the date and time and go from there.
Most likely your partner will be delighted about this opportunity you’ve created for both of you. Your partner might also be a bit reluctant as it is new. This is completely normal, it’s a process of evolution.
Your partner might think that there’s no need for it, and that you already have each other and these intimate experiences aren’t necessary. Don’t worry. Keep up with your idea and romance will flow again in no time.
Once you start dedicating time to each other as a couple, you’ll see how your mood improves, how happiness grows and how much fun you have together. Your romance should keep feeding itself. Once you get the natural oxytocin rolling, it will be easier to keep up with activities that you both enjoy, trips you take and, of course, it will be easier to regain intimacy in the bedroom.
How to maintain sex and intimacy after having kids?
Most parents tend to think that the best of their sex life is in the past. This type of attitude is common but it’s not necessarily true.
You heard me right. Your best sexual years might be ahead of you and we’re going to find out how to make the most of them.
As a young couple, you felt like sex was one of the most important parts of your relationship. You spent a few months or years when your body was at the peak of its most important life mission: reproduction. And you were very good at it. It was normal and it was what you enjoyed doing the most. There was a constant flow of oxytocin running through your veins and you wanted to keep feeling that way.
This is pure physiology;
The male and the female body were both trying their best to get the female pregnant.
Now, let’s talk about life experience, wisdom and knowing more about your sexual life and your partner’s. Add the fact that, at a later stage of life, sex isn’t linked to pregnancy. Can you now see why it is possible to enjoy the most fulfilling sex once your kids have gone?
Sex after kids doesn’t have to be a struggle or boring. Sex after kids can be the best sex you never even dreamt of having.
I am aware of the hormonal changes both men and women go through as they grow. I’m also aware that both partners might feel more sensitive about their bodies as they age.
However, feeling sexy is an attitude and loving our body tends to be easier the longer we spend in it. One partner just needs to feel desired by the other to feel sexy, attractive and ready for awesome sex.
Sexual desire decays with age, it’s true, but that’s completely normal and a physiological reality. Your sex drive is not as strong as it was when you first met because that was a life stage when your body was focusing on reproducing. Now that goal has been achieved, the drive isn’t so potent but it’s still there; it just needs a bit of stimulation to get to the right place.
Communication is key to making sure you’re on the same page. Talk with your partner about sex, find ways to keep the flame alive and explore different aspects of sex. Set out some ground rules, get into each other’s minds and enjoy your newly regained sex life.
Research shows that if you keep your oxytocin levels up the wonderful feeling you experience will keep feeding itself to keep itself alive. When your body thrives, not only does it wants to keep thriving but it’s also easier to maintain that love flow.
Oxytocin is the love hormone and it’s involved with everything that concerns sex and reproduction. The more we have, the more love we experience and the happier we are. Oxytocin will lead you toward self-love and realization. The more you work on your oxytocin levels the healthier you become.
The highest oxytocin release a human can experience happens the moment after giving birth.
Orgasm comes as a close second. This means that, for men and women, frequent orgasms will boost physical and mental health.
You can read more about this awesome hormone in Natural Oxytocin | Benefits Of The Hormone.
How do I reconnect with my partner after having kids?
As mentioned earlier, talk to your partner. Life is much easier when you discuss what’s important. A new, very satisfying sex life is just waiting to be fully explored. In the early days, it’s normal to feel you don’t know how to start a conversation; you might feel insecure or even feel rejected. That’s why it’s so important to have an open conversation, or many, about how you both feel, individually, about yourselves, your own body and your need for physical touch.
Consider your sex life the ‘new baby’ of your relationship. Look after it and dedicate time and interest to it. You get to enjoy the good parts. Forget about sleep being interrupted, jumping out of bed in the middle of the night. You can be sure that no matter what time of the night it is, you can sleep again as soon as you want to.
New feelings will arise, you’ll regain old connections that have been dormant for a long time and, if you work at it, new and deeper sexual feelings will arise.
Do couples grow apart after having kids?
Although some couples manage to grow and keep a strong relationship after kids, others might grow apart.
Lack of communication can kill the strongest of relationships. Some couples don’t know how to adapt to this new chapter and they grow further apart.
If you want to grow closer, talk to each other. Even if one partner doesn’t see the need to talk, it’s still important if you don’t want to grow apart. Get professional help. From now on, you are the most important family members, since there’s no baby and no children. Taking care of yourselves is a must – and it’s worth fighting for.
Read more in BellyBelly’s articles:
Fertility After 40 | What You Need To Know
