Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned… by men saying idiotic things during childbirth.

In an ideal world, this list wouldn’t need writing.

But alas, sadly it does.

What do men say to a woman in labour?

Unfortunately there are some epic horror stories out there about what partners have said to labouring women.

While you’re giving birth, you probably won’t be able to articulate your feelings very well, and you may struggle to explain the insensitivity of what you’ve just heard.

You will, however, probably be able to think up some pretty awesome swear combinations, should any of the following statements pass your ears on the day.

In the hope that they won’t, however, please share this article with your birth partner:

What Not To Say To A Woman In Labour #1: “You Look Exhausted!”

Oh, do I? Thanks so much for letting me know. That’s really kind of you. I wonder why they don’t put more mirrors on the walls of birth wards? Strange that. Say, could you fetch me my make up bag? it’s probably time I reapplied my eyeliner, because all this PUSHING YOUR BABY OUT has undoubtedly led to some smudging.

[Spoiler alert: If you actually try to pass me my make up bag, you will regret it].

What Not To Say A Woman In Labour #2: “How Long Will This Take?”

Good question. Hold on for a second while I holler up my currently dilating cervix and ask our as yet unborn child for an ETA. Gee, you know what? No answer. I guess we’ll just have to assume, it will happen when it happens. And, not naming any names, if anyone happens to check the time and SIGH yet again, they are going to find themselves in the dog house.

What Not To Say To A Woman In Labour #3: “I’m Exhausted”

Are you? You poor thing. I remember once when I had to sit on a chair for hours, boy, I thought I was tired then too. But you know what? Since I’ve experienced contractions, and labour, and hours of trying to push a baby out, I’ve just realised what an absolute idiot I was before. Sitting on a chair is beyond easy. Please don’t talk to me about exhaustion, ok? In fact, just don’t talk to me.

What Not To Say A Woman In Labour #4: “My Back/Head/Whatever Is Killing Me”

Sorry. Were you talking to me? Seriously? You were moaning about your mediocre pain to the woman in the midst of labour? My giant uterus is putting me through some serious contractions. My lower back is aching like never before. I am exhausted. I feel like I might be able to poo. And all of this is merely the crescendo leading up to the grand finale of me pushing our baby through my vagina. You and your back/head/whatever can seriously sod off.

What Not To Say A Woman In Labour #5: “Is It Ok If I Quickly Check The Score?”

I am going to say this v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y. If, whilst I am trying to bring our child into the world, you so much as step near a television, glance at your phone or, God forbid, reach for your headphones, I. WILL. MAKE. SURE. YOU. CAN’T. HAVE. ANY. MORE. CHILDREN. Understood?

What Not To Say A Woman In Labour #6: “Shhhh – You’re Being A Bit Loud”

I’m sorry, are the sounds I am making during labour putting you off DOING NOTHING? Are my groans and cries a bit much for you to handle? Well, I’m afraid I can’t turn the volume down. I’m not making these noises on purpose, they’re just pouring out of me. To give you a bit of a break though, I’m going to stop groaning for a few minutes and focus all of my energy on telling you what an absolutely insensitive bum you are.

What Not To Say A Woman In Labour #7: “How About A Labour Selfie?!”

What the hell are you doing with that camera? Put it away. Do I look like someone who wants to be photographed? Does this look like a memory I want to capture forever, Instagram and share with strangers on the internet? Didn’t think so.

What Not To Say A Woman In Labour #8: “You’re Hurting My Hand!”

Yes. That’s the idea.

If your hand needs a rest, feel free to stick a different body part in my tightly gripping claw. I can already think of one I wouldn’t mind sharing this pain with.

What Not To Say A Woman In Labour #9: “I’m Just Going For A Lie Down”

No, you’re not. I know we talked about that at prenatal class, and I know that at the time I agreed it was best for you to be well rested so you could provide proper support during labour. But, you know what, this really hurts, and you’re not going anywhere. You think you’re tired? You don’t know the meaning of tired. Every inch of my body is exhausted beyond belief, there is no way in hell I am permitting you to go and take a nap right now.

What Not To Say A Woman In Labour #10: “Ha, You Just Did A Poo!”

You know how the midwives all stayed quiet when that happened? And how they whisked it away without me noticing? Yeah, that’s because they’re not swines. I don’t need to know what just happened. Your job, your one job, was to come out of the delivery room saying, “No, honey, you didn’t poo. You were great.”

And now you’ve ruined it.

What Not To Say A Woman In Labour #11: “OMG, Gross…”

THERE IS A HEAD COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA THIS VERY MINUTE.

Of course my vagina looks huge – IT IS HEAD-SIZED. I didn’t realise you were going down to that end of the bed so that you could offer a critique on the aesthetics of my vagina. I assumed you were going to visit the miracle of birth. Sorry that my vagina ruined that for you.