You’re carrying her grandchild, so it’s safe to say your mum will take an active interest in your pregnancy.
She will make sure you eat enough fruit and vegetables, and worry about your fibre intake.
There’ll be endless stories, as she regales you with memories from her own pregnancy.
But she’ll also listen to your worries, take you shopping for baby stuff and make sure you feel pampered and loved during your pregnancy.
In short, she’ll do all the things you will also do for your kids one day, when they’re about to become parents. Just like her, you’ll want to hold their hand every step of the way.
And that’s lovely, really lovely. Apart from when it’s not.
10 Ways Your Mum Might Ruin Your Pregnancy
Sometimes, although you might not want to say it out loud, your mother’s help feels more like a hindrance.
There are days you wish she lived a little further away (in a nice way…) or she had something else to distract her.
Sometimes, you might even wish she were just a little bit less ‘her’.
#1: She’ll Keep Talking About Her Haemorrhoids …
Whatever your mum’s worst pregnancy symptom was, you’re going to hear a lot about it over the next few months.
She’ll sift through her memories for all the horror stories of pregnancy – just when you need a positive coach to help you through it.
If she had haemorrhoids, then buckle up, because she’s not going to spare you any of the gory details. And she won’t wait until you mention them. Nope, she’ll be talking about them before you’ve finished making your pregnancy announcement. “Just wait till you get piles”, she will say, knowingly.
#2: … In Public
And don’t expect her to keep those TMI conversations private. She’ll recount the details of her haemorrhoids, and predict what yours will be like, in front of anyone who will listen.
You should expect your partner to hear way, way too many intimate details about your mum’s pregnancy during the next few months. And so will any waiters unfortunate enough to be serving your table. And so will … well, anyone in earshot really.
In fact, you should probably avoid inviting her to any social events where there’ll be people who don’t want to discuss piles – just in case.
#3: She’ll Worry About Everything …
You know those old wives tales about pregnancy? Your mum still believes every word of them. She doesn’t believe the numerous scientific studies or any official advice from your healthcare provider. She will worry every time you do anything.
To save you both a lot of stress, when you’re together, avoid reaching for things above your head, lifting anything heavier than a feather, or walking upstairs.
Just sit down and pretend you plan to do nothing else for the duration of the pregnancy. This will put her mind at ease.
Send her regular updates, with photos of you sitting down with your feet up. Do not, under any circumstances, send her photos of you at the gym, on the dance floor, or eating a takeaway.
#4: … Apart From Alcohol
You know what sucks? Not being able to drink when you’re pregnant. You know what sucks worse than that? Being around people who can drink whatever they want. You know what’s worst of all? When they keep offering you wine.
Your mum is terrified you might damage the baby if you carry a roll of toilet paper home from the shops, but she’s totally on board with you necking a bottle of wine to celebrate her birthday. Weird? It was very different back then, remember.
#5: She’ll Roll Her Eyes At Anything New
When you decline the wine, she’ll roll her eyes at your dad. As though, instead of following official advice, you’re actually part of some new age cult that indulges in absurd and pointless practices.
Expect more eye-rolling when you buy a brand new cot mattress instead of accepting the one that’s been sitting in her attic for 30 years.
And even more eye-rolling when you talk about ultrasound scans and chromosome testing and … well, anything that’s been developed since she was last pregnant. If she didn’t do it, it must be pointless.
#6: She’ll Talk About Your Birth A Lot
Not the birth you’re about to have, but the time you were born. And it won’t be a positive “Oh you were so lovely! I just breathed you out and you filled my heart with love” kind of story.
It’ll be more along the lines of “the worst pain I’ve ever felt”, “so much blood”, and “I swore I’d never do it again”. Yep, if you want somebody to terrify the living daylights out of you, go and ask your mum about childbirth.
#7: She’ll Tell You When You Look Tired
When you go to meet a friend for coffee, you know never to rock up and announce she looks like a zombie, don’t you? Well, yes.
Apparently, though, it’s totally acceptable to say this to pregnant women. Yep, when you’re pregnant, everyone can say whatever they want about your body and your appearance.
What your loving mum really means to say is, “Are you ok? Is there anything I can do to make things easier for you?”
It’s just unfortunate it comes out as, “Oh my god, you look awful. And those bags under your eyes!”
#8: She Will Remind You One Day Your Baby Will Be A Teenager
You won’t do it on purpose, and you’ll never say it out loud, but you won’t be able to avoid the feeling of dread building in your stomach every time you see her. Your mum is the living, breathing reminder of how horrible you were when you were a teenager.
Do you remember the things you said to her? The way you treated her with contempt? The embarrassment you felt if she so much as opened her mouth to talk in front of your friends?
Well, the tiny baby growing in your belly will grow into a teenager one day. Terrifying, isn’t it?
#9: She’ll Comment On Your Bump
Each time you see your mum, she will analyse the size, shape and appearance of your bump. If she thinks you’ve put on too much weight, she’ll tell you. She’ll worry about whether your baby is too big or too small. She’ll whip out her old wives tales to predict the baby’s gender.
If you haven’t seen her for a few weeks, she won’t be able to hide the shock on her face as you waddle towards her. You’ll be “the size of a house” (her words, not yours). Don’t expect your mum to sugar coat it for you. She’s going to tell it exactly how she sees it. And what she sees is massive.
#10: She’ll Want To Know If You’ve Had Any Twinges
Not the whole way through the pregnancy, of course – that would be a really long nine months. But as the crucial due date approaches, she will be sending you plenty of texts asking whether you’ve had any twinges.
These texts could easily get lost in your inbox, which is filled with identical messages from well-meaning friends, colleagues and women from your prenatal group.
Whatever you do, though, don’t ignore her messages. Unlike other people, who would simply leave it at that, she will start ringing your landline and, if you fail to answer, she’ll show up at your door, sweaty and worried.
Your mum is not good at keeping her cool when she has a grandchild on the way.
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