Gender Disappointment – Tips For Coping With Gender Disappointment

Gender Disappointment - Tips For Coping With Gender Disappointment

Gender disappointment is one of the many apparently ‘controversial’ parenting topics, which is often treated similarly to post natal depression.

It’s rarely talked about, is discussed in a ‘cone of silence’ (if at all).

Those who have feelings of gender disappointment are usually desperate to find people whom they can trust, to talk about the strong, real emotions they experience.

Gender disappointment is fairly common and is nothing to feel ashamed about. Below are four reasons women may feel disappointed in the gender of their unborn baby:

  • They were abused as a child
  • They feel they’ll be unable to connect to a particular gender
  • They have several children of the same gender already
  • Pressure from family to fulfil the need for a specific gender

Women may find this a difficult topic to talk about because:

  • They are worried they will upset those who are having trouble conceiving

“I have a member of my family who is desperately trying to fall pregnant, now with fertility treatment and all she wants is a baby. I feel I have no right to be disappointed with the fact that I have 2 of the same sex when all she wants is one.”

  • They don’t want to be looked at as being selfish or insensitive because their child is healthy

“I feel ashamed because I have 2 beautiful healthy robust little boys who are the light of my life – but I want more.”

  • They are worried people will think that means that they will not love their child or be a bad mother

“Imagine if I had said, ‘Well I really was hoping for a girl and I am disappointed that it’s not, but I guess I will learn to deal with it.’ What sort of a mother thinks like this?”

Dianne McGreal is a Clinical Psychologist experienced in grief counselling. She advises that no matter what your situation might be, it is perfectly okay to experience gender disappointment and it’s okay to acknowlege this.

Gender Disappointment and Sexual Abuse

Some mothers who were abused as a child experience gender disappointment and anxiety as a result of feeling unable to cope with having a boy – especially if their abuser was a male. On the other hand, they may feel anxious that they wont be able to protect a daughter from a potential abuser.

Dianne McGreal says that often in the case of disappointment for having a boy, these feelings only last for the duration of the pregnancy – they are usually gone once baby is born and in mum’s arms.

In the case of having a girl (and sometimes with a boy too), during pregnancy mum-to-be might feel okay, as baby is safely protected inside her. But once baby is born, this is when she may feel anxious that she can no longer protect her child.

“This is a result of unresolved issues surrounding mum’s abuse,” Dianne says. “After the baby is born, often this can be misdiagnosed as PND, so it’s up to mum to decide if she wants to accept that diagnosis or seek further help to resolve the issues of their trauma.”

Dianne advises for mums in this situation to remember that that it’s impossible to be with your child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

BUT we can do the very best we can while we are with our child. “When a child is abused, it’s not the result of your bad parenting skills or failure on your part – it’s due to inappropriate behaviour of another person altogether.”

For further help if you have been sexually abused, visit the SECASA (South Eastern Centre Against Sexual Assault) website.

Gender Disappointment and Maternal Instinct

Sometimes mothers don’t see themselves as being able to mother or connect to a particular gender. Author and gentle parenting advocate Pinky McKay writes about how she felt petrified of having a girl:

“Personally I was petrified of having a girl baby as I thought I would be unable to relate to a ‘real’ girly girl. I had always been a tomboy which greatly upset my mum who always seemed in despair about my daring behaviour. She would say, “Pinky you cuss and swear like a man!,” (with such disappointment).

“I was the only girl my age in a country neighbourhood so played with the boys – having “rodeos” (locking Dad’s sheep in Mrs Hutas house/outdoor laundry – then releasing sheep and riders onto the lawn – should have seen the sheep poo in that laundry!), stealing the railway ‘jigger’ on a Sunday (when the Dad who owned the keys would be drunk and ‘out to it’) and riding with the boys down the railway track (no trains on Sundays) to catch eels at the river, making billy carts to ride down the steepest hills and digging underground cubbies (filled in by fathers who found them in back paddocks on their farms).

“I simply didn’t feel I would be able to raise and relate to a ‘girly girl’ and was quite scared I would also have a daughter who was disappointed in me for not being ‘girly’ enough. My third child was a girl, a fabulous birth and I was utterly in awe of her from the moment she waved her delicate hands around (the boys had big square hands). Funnily enough, I instinctively followed my baby’s lead as an individual and had no problems relating.

“Three years later I had another baby girl – again no worries. I think I have achieved a balance of acceptance for who my daughters are in their own right – both feisty females not restricted by gender expectations and roles, yet able to embrace their femininity comfortably.

“They both loved pretty things and still do – both are very creative; one is sporty and passionate about snowboarding, skiing and surfing while the other prefers more gentle pursuits like yoga and reading. Both loved belly dancing when they were younger (I was a hopeless ballet mum), especially making fabulous costumes.

I think having daughters has helped me redefine my own femininity – we all have a great time doing ‘girly’ stuff together now they are young women. Just for an extra twist, I have a gay son who was the absolute best at making Barbie outfits when he was little!”

Gender Disappointment – One Gender Families

Some mothers who have had several children already of the same gender, may grieve the loss of the baby they wished they had.

One mum confided, ‘I desperately want another baby but I am terrified it is going to be another boy. Terrified. I love my boys so much that it hurts. If I did have another boy, I am sure I would love him just as much, in fact, I know that I would love him just as much… eventually.’

Mothers in this situation may feel:

  • Sadness
  • Disappointment
  • Frightened of their reaction on finding out the sex or when baby is born
  • Depressed or in fear of depression
  • Anger towards themselves for feeling this way
  • ‘Robbed’ from having the gender they wanted

A mum says that she even felt, “… like less of a woman because I can’t produce a girl. I know that is so wrong, but that is how I feel.”

Some mums also feel terrible having to ‘pretend’ to be happy all the time. One mum recalls her ultrasound where she found out she was having another boy: “I felt disappointed immediately. It was like someone had punched me in the gut. After the sonographer told me, I then was more concerned about pretending to be happy about it than listening to the rest of the ultrasound.”

She continues, “When I found out Joshua was a boy at the ultrasound I was disappointed – disappointed and he was healthy and growing beautifully! How could I even think it?? I have hated myself for that. I look at him now and I just love him so much, how could I ever have been disappointed?

“I would lie to people, pretending to be so excited that I was going to have two little boys when in fact I had hope that the ultrasound was wrong. I would put on my happy face and say, “I always wanted two little boys!” or “As long as it is healthy we don’t care what it is.” Imagine if I had said, “Well I really was hoping for a girl and I am disappointed that it’s not, but I guess I will learn to deal with it.’ What sort of a mother thinks like this?”

I asked the mother (who is now pregnant with her third and final child) what she felt she would be missing out on, not having a girl. She replied, “Where do I start… pink, dolls, doing her hair, pretty dresses, ballet classes, the closeness of a mother-daughter relationship.

“When a man gets married he (usually) leaves his mother to be with his wife, a daughter usually stays close. Doing make-up together, planning her wedding, being a mother of the bride, watching my daughter become a mother… I feel that all my life I built myself up to the day I had a daughter, from the time I was a little girl, I have to grieve the loss of a broken dream. I also feel that my husband is missing the chance to have a daddy’s girl.”

How Do You Deal With The Grief Of Gender Disappointment?

Dianne says that the first step is to acknowledge your grief and feel that your emotions are validated. It’s okay to feel disappointment and/or loss for the baby you wanted – say it or express it in a way you feel safe to do so.

She suggests sitting down and writing an honest and open letter, as detailed as you like, explaining all your thoughts and feelings of your loss, written to the child that you grieve. For example it might include something like, ‘To my daughter who’s time it hasn’t been to come … I had many hopes and dreams for us and I really wanted you to come … I have lots of love to give, but right now, I need to give it to my son.’

Alternately, you might like to write to your baby that you are having or have had. In this letter, it’s okay to tell your baby that you do yearn for the opposite gender and what you feel you will miss.

After you have written your letter, create your own special ritual. Perhaps burning it and taking it to the beach, letting it’s ashes scatter into the ocean or perhaps burying it in the sand.

Gender Disappointment After Your Baby Is Born

You may find that your disappointment totally disappears upon the birth of your baby, which was the case with my second child. When we started trying for number two, we were having some ‘testing times’ in our relationship. I didn’t embrace the idea of having another boy around me at all and was in a very ‘anti-male’ frame of mind. I began to picture my daughter with a little sister.

After my 20 week ultrasound, I walked out of the ultrasound room feeling a little shattered and teary, having clearly seen for myself that I was indeed having a boy! But something that helped me get past these feelings at the time was my mum.

She told me, ‘Just because you are having a boy, it doesn’t mean he will be like any other man out there, not like your husband or the man next door. The way he will turn out is based on your parenting and upbringing – he won’t be born exactly like anyone else – he’ll be his own unique beautiful boy.”

What can I say – it was totally true. As soon as he was born, that strong motherly instinct kicked in straight away and I would have killed for this little gorgeous baby boy! My son is an absolute delight – he has nothing but smiles for me and adores me to bits. Such a mummy’s boy! I couldn’t imagine anything better and there is no way I could compare the love I have for the two.

The best thing for me is that now I know if I was to try for another, I would not care what I had, boy or girl – because they are both so very beautiful in their own little ways. I would even be happy enough not to find out his or her gender, because just knowing I have another little baby growing inside me, boy or girl, is enough for me.

So it is possible to feel such disappointment during pregnancy, only to have Mother Nature turn around and give you a great big surprise – something you never knew you were waiting for.

However it doesn’t always end out this way. If you feel that you are not coping with gender disappointment before or after the birth of your baby, it’s a good idea to to seek out the help of a psychologist, ideally one that specialises in pregnancy and postnatal issues. You can go to https://www.psychology.org.au which has a psychologist referral service available.

You might like to read the discussion on Gender Disappointment in our Forums where you can also vote in our Gender Disappointment poll.

Contributions From BellyBelly Readers

Dianne:

I have always wanted a little girl and have always been around little girls as a dancing teacher. When I learnt I was having my first son (at ultrasound) I was disappointed he was not a girl but happy to be having a child and figured that it was ok because I’d eventually have a girl.

When I had my ultrasound for my second child and discovered he was a boy I was upset for days but got over it before the delivery – however I was still secretly hoping that they had got it wrong until I physically saw his boy bits after he was born.

On my third ultrasound I was told it was another boy and was upset for about a day. Surprisingly I wasn’t upset at the delivery…

Hubby and I have now been doing the timing method for a girl for over a year and a half and I have given up. He doesn’t understand my desire for a girl and is increasingly annoyed at timing. I can’t help it. I still desperately want a girl. I have looked into adoption but hubby doesn’t want to for genetic reasons and also because it would cost $30,000.

I have looked into gender selection but it is illegal in South Australia and would cost us $30,000 (and travel to NSW or Qld) because we are a fertile couple! Not only that hubby thinks it is unnatural and is not really very willing to do it. We also have issues with left over fertilised eggs and we could not destroy them…

I don’t know what to do. Nobody understands me and everyone just tells me that I should be thankful that my kids are happy and healthy (especially because my sister has a disabled child) but I can’t help my desire for a girl.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my boys desperately but I don’t hide my feelings. They know that I love them. They also know that I would like a baby girl – in fact they all say that they want a sister (maybe because they know that I’d like a girl baby).

I would not love my boys less if I had a girl but I want the pretty things, the pink things, the telling stories, the dancing classes, the mother-of-the-bride day, the day my daughter gives birth, etc… it isn’t the same with the boys as I’ve seen the difference with me and my brother for my mum. Why should I miss out??? This hurts soooo much!

Anonymous

I have a beautiful 16 month old baby boy, he is the love of my life and I know I would die for him in a heart beat.

I am now 21 weeks pregnant with my second child and my husband and I both desperately want a daughter. In our recent 20 week scan the sonographer told us we were expecting another boy. I couldn’t speak to anyone and cried my eyes out for 3 days straight.

I am now in the pretending phase of being happy that my new baby is to be healthy as expected. The hardest thing is we did the timing method, we did the positions the monitoring body changes for ovulation – the works and still it didn’t work.

It has also proved to be difficult because my husband is also in denial. He keeps making phrases like – when we find out what sex the baby is we will make name decisions or buy baby clothes and various items. We are both struggling with what we did not want – are we both horrible parents for feeling this way? Or strong and loving for admitting it?

In the recent ultrasound it was also made difficult as in the 9 minutes we were in the room for a consult and scan we did not actually see any genital shots. So we are still holding onto hope of, ‘what if he got it wrong?’ I guess we won’t know until the little one pops into the world in February. I suppose that will prove to us if we can love and cherish two boys the way that we are obviously intended to.

Would you like to share your experience with gender disappointment? You can do so anonymously if you wish. Email us your stories and we will include them on this page.

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Kelly Winder CONTRIBUTOR

Kelly Winder is the creator of BellyBelly.com.au, a writer, doula (trained in 2005), and a mother of three awesome children. She's passionate about informing and educating fellow thinking parents and parents-to-be, especially about all the things she wishes she knew before she had her firstborn. Kelly is also passionate about travel, tea, travel, and animal rights and welfare. And travel.


70 comments

  1. I have 3 children and am currently pregnant with #4. I have a boy then a girl and the youngest a boy. During all my pregnancies I never felt like I wanted one gender over the other, I was more occupy with how many things can go wrong in a pregnancy and the baby. This is what happens when you google everything on pregnancy you end up knowing too much. So all I wanted was a healthy baby and I was blessed with that with all 3. Now with #4 I have had people say ‘wouldnt it be nice to have a girl?, oh what if you have another boy that be 3 boys! wouldnt it be nice to have 2 boys and 2 girls? ‘have a girl so your daughter is not alone’ … so it got me thinking ….yes it would be nice to have a girl this time, I started to think about when I was younger as I had 2 other sisters what my daughter as an only girl would be missing out on and I started to really feel sad for her. I had the best childhood with my sisters, share things that I know I couldnt if I had brothers. To make matters worse my daughter has been asking me for a sister. I am still early into my pregnancy so I do not know what I am having. So yes I would love to have a girl this time round but if I have a boy Im ok with that too I think its partly because I have seen and heard to much about what can go wrong in a pregnancy, to your unborn baby in the months during development to be disspointed if I had a healthy baby boy this time.

  2. Hi there can anyone tell me if I am having a baby girl I have a small dainty bump at the front . And the babys well lifely kicks 24/7

  3. It seems like every time I get pregnant, I feel this over whelming sensation, like its my time around, I’m finally going to have my beautiful daughter, and I’m gonna be able to do all those things with her that I can’t do with my son. But even pregnant with my first son I wanted a girl so bad that I cried when he just wasn’t what I expected to hear or wanted during that ultrasound. I literally yelled at the ultrasound technition as if it was her fault in some way that she just read all the results wrong. Now I’m 31 weeks pregnant again with my second boy and let me tell you the experience has been exactly the same. I mean I love them both so much, but I’m getting older and I’m getting this feeling like I will never have my daughter I’ve always went through life wanting, even in middle school, still playing with dolls pretending I had a daughter, this little girl, whom I think I would bond with so much better. People are always like you should be happy you have these two boys, some people can’t have children. Its like I’m mourning over a child that never even exsisyed and I can’t seem to shake the feeling.

    I always thought I was alone in this I’m glad that other people actually feel this emotion too, even though that sounds completely awful. I just know I’m not alone now.

  4. I just found out today I’m having another girl and I’ve been crying ever since. I was never girly myself, always around my older brother and his friends. I was into snowboarding, martial arts, riding bikes with the boys… I just always thought I wouldn’t be able to connect with a baby girl. I always saw myself with 2 boys so when my first girl was born, I needed a while to get used it. I love her to bits and she is a legend but I always thought, well next one. Now that #2 is a girl which I was so sure it will be a boy, I’m devastated. I feel I’ll never have a son and although my husband is fine with it, I know he would’ve loved a little buddy… I feel sad for him, for me…I feel so guilty feeling this way but just can’t help it. I now feel totally detached from my baby, having had this strong feeling until now it’s a boy… I feel all my mother intuition was wrong, I just can’t reconnect. So good to read I’m not alone…but I do feel like a bad mother.

    1. I found out on Monday this wk that I’m having another girl too. My doc did a genetic test to determine chromosome abnormalities and with this gender can be determined too. Me and my hubby desperately wanted a boy and even considered doing ivf to ensure it would be a boy. We chose natural methods such as timing, supplements, diet changes, etc. it didn’t work….I’m sorry u feel this way. At least I know I’m not alone. Do you think the genetic testing could be wrong? I haven’t had an ultrasound that could determine gender yet

      1. Hi there,
        I was reading your post and realized we are in the same situation as you and your husband were. We already have a daughter and found out our second baby is also a girl. We also tried the natural method to sway gender and it didn’t work… We have requested the genetic screening and it will tell us the gender as well. The ultrasound just didn’t feel right;however, it may be because we so desperately want a boy. Just curious as to how it went for you?? Did you end up with a little princess or prince?

        1. I feel the same way. I was a total tomboy. My daughter screams at a fly and it terrified of spiders, whereas I used to keep them as pets in jars and shoe boxes… I was sure this one was a boy since the baby is very active, is kicking all the time, and I hardly had any morning sickness (with my first I had terrible morning sickness). But it’s another girl. I’m so sad, because I will never have my baby boy I’ve wished for since I was 12 years old… I feel like Iost him… My husband does not want to have a third because he already has 2 from a previous marriage. And I don’t really want to have that many children either… I love my baby girl and am excited for her, but I feel like a lost my son…

          1. Well I can sympathise. I’m expecting a boy and it’s the last thing i would want. I havent stopped crying because to be honest I can not see myself going through another pregnancy at all. Now I’ll never get to buy pretty dresses or try make up on together have someone do my hair when I get old and can’t reach. Someone in my life I can’t relate to yet again.

      2. I am a second girl child to my parents and I think I now know what went wrong with their marriage. I guess I now know why was I shy and awkward around every one especially my aunts and why was I scolded for being that way. And I knew something was wrong with me. I just didn’t know how to rectify it. While it is okay for you feel this way, just make sure you don’t make the baby feel this way because even though eventually the baby will grow up to be normal but it might dent her childhood if she get the feeling of your disappointment or the best thing is to be honest with her, not exactly force your expectations, but just honest and upfront. I’m 24 now and I can understand this feeling well but I could have done without unnecessary scolding as a child. I hope this helps and doesn’t push you off the edge further. Confessing here is a big step in itself. 🙂 tc

  5. I never wanted children in my life, ever. It was just not something that I had planned for myself and my life (I am 31 now so people have finally stopped telling me to get older before I say these things). I have been with an amazing man for nearly 6 years, I have a full time job, I live in the country I want to live in, I am happy with my life the way it is. And then I fell pregnant, unplanned. It took me a long time to deal with the fact itself and to make the decision to not terminate the pregnancy (which was more my partners decision than mine).

    Not ever wanting children the worst scenario for me was if this child would be a girl as that thought just horrifies me. We did the Verifi blood test and the results came back that it is a girl. I cried for over an hour straight and am feeling down. I do not feel bad or guilty for feeling this way like many other women. I am honest in saying that I prefer and want a boy if I have a child at all. This has caught me by absolute surprise as I was so damn sure that it was a boy. I am 16 weeks today and I am struggling big time. I am wondering if I will be able to like and bond with this child if it really is a girl. I am struggling enough with the fact that I am actually pregnant, with the weight gain, with the changes in my body so this has really hit me for six as I could gave coped with all the rest if I would know this was a boy. I am not grieving for the child that I wanted and that might not be. I am just down that I have a child growing inside me that was unplanned and is not the preferred gender.
    It is nice to know that a lot of women seem to have the disappointment but I have not yet read that there is someone out there just like me. All other women wanted children in the first place. I am having a scan done soon and I am hoping and praying that we fall into the 3% where the blood test got it wrong.

    1. Moo you’re not alone, I too had a blood test and it shows my second child is also a girl. I have been so depressed about it for weeks. With my first daughter I was sad as well but got over it after she was born, however, I am sad to report that I still feel no emotional connection to her even 3 years later and it’s hard to relate and play with her and I still wished she was a boy. I feel like I wont love this baby I am currently caring, I know it’s not her fault but I dont want her at all.

      1. Darcy, I think it’s really important to get some professional specialist counselling to help deal with this. Otherwise it’s not only you suffering but your children too. See if you can find a perinatal counsellor/psychologist in your area. Especially if money is tight, I highly recommend doing the exercises on this website: https://www.thework.com. Good luck.

    2. Moo,
      First, how are you doing? As I read your post, I feel as though I’m looking into a mirror. I, too, never wanted children, but found out I was pregnant, currently 12 weeks. I’m having the same struggles as you mentioned and not wanting to share my news with anyone. My pregnancy was unplanned and not the preferred gender as well. Please let me know how you are coping.

    3. “I am not grieving for the child that I wanted and that might not be. I am just down that I have a child growing inside me that was unplanned and is not the preferred gender.” That statement has hit home, I have two daughters already both of which were unplanned. My oldest, 3 years old, came by surprise as I was still in college and had just recently become engaged. Wedding plans fell to the floor as I did not want my family thinking I was getting married because of her. My second baby was also a surprise as my oldest was only 7 months old. With #1, I contemplated abortion. With #2, I felt I had ruined my life already what else could go wrong with keeping her. So, to try to avoid further surprises I got on the Mirena IUD. I am now 13 weeks pregnant with #3 while on Mirena IUD, what else could go wrong? I am considered high risk because of becoming pregnant while Mirena IUD. So test after test are done including Trisomy 21, it has been a roller coaster pregnancy. Going from unplanned, unwanted, praying baby is healthy to I hope it is a boy so I can tie my tubs. So when the nurse gives me the blood tests results with 98% accuracy saying baby is a girl, I fall to pieces. I have cried for the past 2 days, hoping am too part of the 2% false report. I too am not grieving the dream baby boy as I actually did not want any boys but I didn’t want to get pregnant to begin with. I am sad I’m carrying a baby girl who is not wanted for the third time. I feel I am getting punished for hoping for all girls when I was younger. I feel I am being punished by having all unplanned pregnancies. I see my girls now and feel awful for not “wanting” them when I first found out I was pregnant, so maybe this feeling will go away. I am all sorts of confused.

    4. I never wanted children either. You’re not alone. It took a lot for me to even agree to one child. I just didn’t want to be 40 or older, look back and go, “Oh…I should have.” Now I have gender disappointment because it’s not the boy I was having dreams with. I’m struggling with all of this, too. We hosted a reveal party for my husband’s sake and I had a lot of trouble hiding the resentment and shock. People kept saying, “You can always try again for the boy!” However, that’s not in my plans at all and their comments made me want to punch them in the face. I didn’t, but I really wanted to.

      After the many years of issues I’ve had being the eldest of five and suffering from verbal and physical abuse from my mother for twenty straight years of my life while taking care of my mother’s responsibility, I really did not want any children at all. But then I found myself wanting to fill a void with another dog. Knowing that was not what my heart was really telling me, I made the decision to just go ahead and have a child. But I’m only doing this once. She might be a daughter and not what I expected or wanted, but I am not going to let her have a terrible time growing up just because of me. It is in my plans to love her regardless.

    5. Hi Moo,
      I, too, wasn’t sure if I wanted children. I grew up moving around a lot and lived with different close relatives at different points of my upbringing. At 18 years I lived on my own, or with roommates so grew up used to being independent. I started work young and learned to be independent, to my mother’s chagrin. She and I have a hard time communicating and understanding each other as we have opposite personalities. I tell you all this because I think it plays a part on the fact that it is the reason why I was never convinced about having children until I fell pregnant with my first child. I had a precious little boy 22 months ago and although I love him to bits, I had a hard time dealign wight he fact that I was pregnant. Within a year I moved to a new country, got married, and had a baby boy. My life changed from being free and independent, being able to pick up and go anywhere, to having a life depending on me. I still struggle sometimes thinking about things I can’t do because I am a mum. I can only tell you that what you are feeling is normal. You are grieving the person you feel you were before the pregnancy. I would tell you that it’s ok but to talk to someone you trust about it, who won’t judge but understand and give it time. Don’t fall trap to what people say about falling in love with your baby as soon as you see it, or that you should be glad you are having a healthy baby. Whilst this is true for many, the opposite is also true. You can find this on blogs and websites … and its ok. The best advice someone gave me was that it takes time to get to know someone .. babies are no exception. This little gift has been sent to you but all it will do is poop, eat and sleep … however, each month you will discover something new about them, you and even your partner.
      Sorry if this is verbose but thought I would be honest … it may take time for you to be able to accept your new life as a mum… but who knows, there are mums out there who don’t stop doing what they love and bring their children into the fold. There are all sorts of parent and parenting style .. you will know what is best for you, your partner and you baby. Don’t worry about following the norm. There is no universal norm just what we know as our reality, social norms and customs.

      Hope this brought some relief. Again, if you are still struggling some counselling may help just to allow you to express yourself without judgement. Hope your pregnancy continues going well and hope you have a good delivery!

  6. I had my 2nd boy 2 weeks ago and I’m so sad. I went for two us scans and the 2nd was was 3d where the tech showed me his bits and everything, but. I failed to accept it and bought so many dresses and pink things hoping they were both wrong. I lost my sister when I was 8 and my mum 2 years later and I assumed idhave a girl first. I was not as disappointed with my first and instantly fell in love with him but it hasn’t been the same this time. I’m so sad and scared to ever have children again because I feel like I will just die if I have another boy.

  7. I just found out yesterday that I’m having my second girl. I’ve been so sad but trying to pretend I’m happy. I had strong feelings it was going to be a boy as per the timing of conception. Since this was going to be our last,i just wanted it to be a perfect little family. My family and hubby’s family will be disappointed as well as there have been so many girls already and every one hoped this will be a boy. Hubby is ok with it but I’m sad I’ll never be able to give him a little buddy. I plan not to tell anyone till they see the baby for themselves. I hope i get over this soon as i feel detached from the baby now.

    1. I am the baby my mother felt detached with. I feel terrible for her because of my gender and that I’ll never be able to make her happy no matter how much I try. And yes, I am. I am the baby mother never wanted.

  8. I had my 21wk scan this morning & am pregnant with our 3rd boy! I am so disappointed as I was hoping for a little girl to take shopping, do her hair, teach her how to wear makeup, go wedding dress shopping & the list goes on…..hubby is also disappointed. I can’t stop crying at the moment, feel really ripped off.

  9. I had my 3rd girl about a year ago and always wanted a boy too the point when my babies were little I would rarely dress them in pink always neutral colours and I would pretend In my mind it was a boy. I felt severely dissapointed everytime. I felt it was unfair like everyone around me got the sex they wanted besides me. I guess I still want.a boy but feel that my girls were a blessing in disguise. I suffered really bad gender depression with my 1st and my 3rd I think I accepted it. More with my 2nd. My partner got a vasectomy and now I feel robbed of ever having a boy

    1. This reminds me of myself. Just with the difference, that she is my only * child.

      *I had a late miscarriage of a boy 2 Years before.

      My MIL got on my nerves with her talking “I never saw my granddaughter in a dress”. I don’t want to hear anything of an elderly who only was able to produce men. She? Wants to tell me about how to dress a daughter? This is ridiculous!

      She was a so called “Tomboy” and now crying to everybody, how much she wanted a daughter first (and only). Who believes that nonsense?

  10. well I live in a different country,all the traditions, the growing style, the family structure etc. are different but we feel the same. I’m 38 now have two boys and fell very sorry for not having a baby girl. my two boys are so cute handsome and lovely and maybe this is the best way for me. I mean maybe the boys are the the best ones in my life circle ,some girls are trouble especially in my neighbourhood..My beliefs say pray and thank for two healhty babies and Im really thankful.on the other jhand the ones having two a boy and a girl always seem the luckiest ones to me.

  11. We have just found out that we are having second girl. We really wanted a boy. My husband always dreamed about two boys like twins lol – anyway I’m 38 and in don’t think we should try again – I’m scared we will end up with 3rd girl. I love my girl (4) now and I’m sure I will love this one too but I’m worried that my husband is just acting like he is fine but deep inside he is longing a son – which I really wanted too. Worried about future when the girls are 10 and up that he will be disconnected from us… Will have no buddy for himself

  12. So I have 3 beautiful boys 5,4,2 and I’m pregnant with baby number 4. I’m kind of in a different boat to everyone as I actually made peace with having all boys and was expecting another. Last week we found out its a girl and I’m feeling confused and can’t wrap my head around it. It’s like I have to learn everything all over differently and I’m scared about the kind of mother I’ll be. I never had a fantastic relationship with my mum and never had a sister. I can’t say I relate well to other women although I’ve definately improved over the years. I’m worried I’ll be jealous, i love being the princess of this castle. I’m worried I’ll set my expectations too high like my mother did or struggle to love her the way she needs. I wish I could get over this.

    One of the hard things is I’ve already grieved this gender, our ultrasound was wrong with our second boy and it was like loosing a little girl, the one we expected . Makes no sense that I’m struggling now…

  13. I’m a step mum to 3 boys who we have full custody of and are all teenagers and very hard work. We were really wanting a little girl and at my 20 week scan they said it was a girl. We were all so happy I picked a name and had so many pink clothes. Then I booked a 3d scan so my mum could be there I was 31 weeks and they told me it was a boy not a girl. It didn’t help that I broke up with my partner the day before and he wasn’t there at the scan. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of my little girl that never existed and I’m grieving the loss of my relationship. I’m trying to get help from the hospital and I’m talking to them about it all. This is not what my first pregnancy was meant to be like.

    1. I am a mother of 8 years girls. I went for scan on my 20 weeks and the doctor said its a girl. I felt disappointed coz i hoped for a son. I am always praying that when i go again there must b changes where the scan will say its a boy. To be honest when i saw a woman having a son, am jelous and i even feel like am not a woman enough coz am failing to produce a little man of the family. I am peaying for miracles and also to say doctor is just an earthly person, only God has a final gender of my child.

      1. God isn’t real. The gender determination is based on the man’s Y chromosome — nothing else. Even the “environment” things people think are things are not true.

    2. Liz, I’m so sorry that happened to you. To have something given and then taken away.
      I did Gender Selection and it was sold as a sure thing, and we walked away empty handed. I totally get that you are grieving the loss of a little girl that never existed.

      I hope you fall absolutely in love with the little man once he is in your arms. I love my boys to bits but can completely understand how you feel right now.

    3. I know how you feel I was told a baby girl at a private scan which we were so happy about as we have a little boy (4) and yesterday we went for another scan and found out it’s another boy. I know I will love this little boy as much as I do his brother but we just had so long getting used to the idea of having a little girl it’s completely messed with our heads and I feel a weird connection with my bump already because I was so used to calling the bump our chosen girls name and buying stuff and imagining what she would look like. Don’t know how to feel right now

  14. 4th boy here and I feel so sad, I just really wanted a girl, I have a step daughter, BUT she isn’t mine! No one understands me and I feel awful for the feelings I have.. ugh.. I don’t want anymore kids now. I’m kinda disappointed.

  15. I just found out that i having my 3rd boy! All i have ever wanted is girls and all i ever get is boys. The sadness is consuming and this baby was a surprise pregnancy as well to make matters worse. I love my boys but i just want to be a mum to a girl… i feel that i will never be properly happy ever again. I had gender disappointment with my second so badly i was treated for antenatal depression and i feel i will have to again. I also feel guilty that there are people who can’t have babies, but i just can’t help but feel that i am so unlucky with always having boys.

    1. I just found out I was having my 3rd boy yesterday.

      I know what you mean about the guilt and the families that struggle to have children period. After we went to the US for Gender Selection and it failed, the Dr. said that my egg reserve and quality is so low and poor that I would probably need a donor just to conceive a child period. So here I am, feeling horrible because it’s another boy, when in actual fact I should be over the moon that I was able to have another child period. I feel like a spoilt brat because I didn’t get my own way, it’s really hard to navigate our way through our feelings.

      We are probably our worst enemy when it comes to judgement you know. I hope you feel better soon. Fingers crossed this feeling passes and we can accept the things we can’t change. 🙁

      1. My heart grieves for you, i am in the same boat. having my last child and i see my siblings with girls who treat them awful and i have to be okay. i am just beyond disappointed and strangely a loss i cannot fix. I just cannot even feel connected to this child. I feel so terrible for even feeling this way but i do. I don’t even want to put a name to this child. I am making my husband do it.

  16. Thankyou for everyone’s honesty. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years. Over the years whenever we talked/imagined children it was always a girl. we’d even picked out a name. I’m very girly, and have always wanted a mother/daughter relationship. So when we found out we were having a boy I struggled. My husband was disappointed but within hours became excited about a boy. so I felt all alone. I felt like I was grieving a child that never existed. 3 of my friends were having girls at the time and they were so excited, I just put on a brave happy face. I did get help but it didn’t dissolve the disappointment completely. I felt like this for the rest of my pregnancy. And then….. I held our son. He was perfect I couldn’t stop looking at him, he was so beautiful I was in love. I thought back to those awful feelings and asked myself would I rather a girl, the answer is No Way. I just thought – next time.
    I’m now 13 weeks pregnant and everything has been great this pregnancy so far. I had my 12 week scan, took one look at the pictures and am convinced it’s a boy (nub theory), I also just have a strong instinct. The disappointed feeling is back and I’m pretty embarrassed about it, so thank you for sharing your stories I don’t feel alone this time.

  17. I’m horrified by all the confessions as much as I’m relieved to finally come face to face with the truth (having gone through being a second girl child). Human is clearly the worst thing on earth for it’s ability to think and rationalise and also speak. I think it’s about time we saw the bigger picture of co-dependence than just think about our own private lives.

  18. I just found out we are having our third boy. I love my boys to bits and wouldn’t swap them for the world, however, I’ve always pictured our family complete with a girl. We went to the US (we are in Australia) for gender selection which failed, and then we resorted to swaying, timing, PH, diet, supplements, old wives tales, you name it, we did it. I prayed for months that it was a little girl, and again, we have been told it’s another little healthy boy.
    I feel like such a failure as a mum, not because I can’t produce a girl (that’s husbands fault 🙂 ), but the feeling of so much disappointment when they told me it was a healthy boy. The guilt I feel just feeling like this is overwhelming, especially after going through gender selection/IVF process, and what families endure just to get a child, not concerned with the sex. I’m usually a very logical person, and this frame of mind or way of thinking/emotions has just sent me for six.
    Deep down I know when he arrives (and probably before he arrives) I will love him no less than I would have a little girl, but it’s definitely trying to accept that a girl will not be in our future, and how do I achieve that feeling of completion for our family.
    It’s exhausting trying to act happy and grateful for peoples sake around you, so you don’t feel judged, when your biggest judge is yourself. It’s so hard when you can’t even make sense of the emotions you feel yourself.

  19. I’m due my second boy in 3 weeks and still have not come to terms with it. I keep referring to the baby as it and don’t even have a name picked because I just feel so disconnected to the baby.
    I love my first son but I have a very stunted relationship with him. I’m not overly girly but I hate most sports and he’s just a typical little boy. He has a great relationship with his dad but feel like I’m missing out on so much because I just don’t understand him.
    I guess I feel like I’m just going to be left well alone as they grow up because I have zero in common with them which I know is silly because I don’t even know what this baby will be like yet.
    I crave the connection with a little girl and being able to buy her beautiful dresses, take her shopping with me while she’s little and have a real mother/daughter relationship as she grows up.
    I don’t have the easiest pregnancies and while I wanted a house full of kids I don’t know if I can bring myself to have more than these two. It takes so much out of me in general and the fear of ending up with another boy has made me rethink it.
    I’m not saying I won’t or don’t love this baby because he’s a part of me but I’m utterly devastated at being ‘robbed’ of the experience of having a daughter.

  20. I am feeling super disappointed and depressed about having another girl. I love my two girls now, but it might make me a bad person but I don’t love them as much as I love my son. Girls are irritating and I find it difficult to find anything in common with them, especially as they get older. I hate the squealing, high Pitched screaming, attitudes, the way they want everything “cute” or pretty, the way they love dolls, shoes and clothes YUCK. I don’t encourage it but everyone else gives them that stuff and encourages it, so I have little choice. It drives me crazy because I can go outside with my son, play basketball, soccer, hike and my girls just whine about it. I have one girl that’s tomboyish a little, even so, now that she is getting older that trait is quickly fading. I have always tried to overcome my dislike of girls because I want to love my daughters but I don’t have any luck. For mums day this year my middle daughter tried to give me a card she made to be sweet (she’s 11) but in it she wrote that she feels “hated” sometimes by me. Now I’m stuck with another girl, another feeling of failure, another drama queen, diva… I wish I could get rid of it. My spouse won’t let me and I won’t divorce him over this. Although it may come to it. Right now I am planning bottle feeding and handing it off to my husband when he walks through the door. I refuse to be another failure of a parent to a pathetic girl. My son is a dream, he has issues but I can handle that. He is always goofy and happy, I guess it’s easier when your mom can relate.

    1. Hi Ashat, I am really interested to read your response because I feel the opposite to you. I have always wanted a girl (if I ever had a child) and now finally I got pregnant, and its a boy. I am so disappointed because I have absolutely nothing in common with boys. I find them stinky, dirty, rough at worst, boring at best. I am not interested in watching them play rugby or soccer, and I find boys toys boring – trucks, guns, etc. I feel like an outsider in my own family – and like I will be a bad mother, because I can’t engage at all with boys. I can’t bear the thought of him and his noisy rough dirty friends running through my house. Then when they get older, they just piss off and don’t care about their parents. Sons never bother to visit or call their parents… its daughters who care. You will see when you kids grow up – your daughters will be there for you and give a damn. Your sons will just be interested in their own selfish pursuits on the other side of the world. That’s if they don’t end up in jail for rape or assault. Because most people in jail are men. People talk about being worried their daughters will be raped… well, I couldn’t handle knowing my son was the bastard who did it. I would disown him.
      I am just going to basically have to make sure I have my own hobbies and friends so I can disengage from my own family that I will have nothing in common with and no interest in. Girls might be annoying, but at least I totally get them. I don’t get those creatures who think with their dick. And now my body is producing one of them – another dick to add to the world. Just what we need!

      1. Oh man you sound like me and i wish you lived closer, i dont’ understand boys i cannot relate i cannot connect they have nothing to do with me but rather be with dad. Now with a third boy to hate me and chase dad i am feeling more alone everyday.

  21. I came to this site because I am expecting my second child and I don’t know the gender. However,my first child is a boy so I keep thinking I want this one to be a girl. I can’t put my finger on why though. I am actually scared of having a girl because of society judging women on how they look and the inequality between men and women. I will not be able to protect my ‘daughter’ from the hideous world. With a son, I know he will have a head start in the world just because he is male. But I suppose I like female company and I love being a woman so I would like my child to experience these things. I feel terribly guilty for having a slight preference as I know what it is like to have a boy and boys are so much fun and love their mums. I have always had a volatile relationship with my mum and I am sure it would be the same with my daughter. Also, a brother would be so nice for my son! And more practical in terms of interests. I love being a mother of a boy coz it’s a whole new world and I can get muddy and dirty and it doesn’t matter. I know I’ll be fine with another boy. I just think we are conditioned from birth to desire the perfect family. It is in the media, in films, books read to us as children. But it is not real life! We must all realise that people are people despite their gender. My mum expected me to be a good little girl and was always disappointed with my choices in life. She could never accept that I was a separate person to her and I would certainly say this gave me mental health issues. Please do not want a gender based on what you imagine your unborn child to be. You are putting immense pressure on yourself and even more on your child!

    1. I think it is harder when you know that you have all the same and having your last and to be honest finding out that it will be the same sort of stings.

  22. I am 18 weeks pregnant with my second baby. I find out next week what I’m having and I cry at the thought of having another boy. I adore my son but I never wanted any boys. I have only sisters and never imagined a boy. I remember yelling and crying historically at my stomach when I was alone after I was told he was a boy. I still feel guilty for this. That the first thing he may have heard his mother say was she was angry and didn’t want him. I suddenly felt disconnected with the baby. I love him with all my heart but I’m still desperate for a baby girl. I want pink and dresses etc but I’m scared that I won’t pay enough attention to him if I have a daughter and I’m afraid if it’s not a girl that I’ll be upset forever.

    I get tired of people online telling anyone who suffers from gender disappointment that they are horrible and others can’t have babies at all.

    1. HI Jane

      I am pregnant with the first and really devastated to find out its a boy because I have nothing in common with boys and their interests and find having a son the most boring tedious job in the world. I have always wanted a daughter because I love girls things and now I feel I will never experience this – the reason is that I cant risk having a second baby, knowing it may be a second boy, which would be even worse than just one. I would rather not have any kids, than have a son. This is how I feel. And yes I feel guilty, but I can’t help it.
      Can you please tell me how you are coping with having a son – do you love him? Well, you probably do… but do you find it interesting and nice, or just a tedious job that you have to do? Are you glad you have him? I am so worried about falling into a bad depression about this.
      I would love to hear your feedback.

      1. I am right now, i try to bond with both my boys even nursed and now they have nothing to do with me. I am like you have no idea how to cope through it and going through another boy.

  23. I’m eighteen weeks and the opposite of most. I have a boy who was the world’s most gorgeous wonderful baby. I have a difficult relationship with my own mother. Never been a girly girl and get on better with men. My husband’s brothers are top blokes but his sister’s are narsassictic and play the victim. I think women in general are very hard work.

    I’ve also lost a girl in pregnancy and I feel like I can only carry boys well. The idea of a girl makes me feel sick stomach. Planned a massive reveal and scared of my reaction is a girl. Feel like a bad mum, but I feeel like a need another boy.

  24. Gender disappointment is very real. You know, for 5 years i ve been going through infertility, painful, humiliating, expensive treatments, a lot of mental health issues related to inability to conceive etc…. but i am STILL horrified to get pregnant with a girl! No, i don’t think it’s selfish. It’s weird for an outsider to hear, sure, but feelings we have aren’t right or wrong. They are just that – feelings. If the day ever comes for me to have 20 wk u/s and it will be a girl…. oh, God helps me..

    1. I’m currently 20 weeks with my first. It also took me 5 years to get pregnant. I was very happy when I finally did. But, I still felt gender disappointment at my 20 week ultrasound when I found out that I am having a girl. I always wanted a baby boy and I don’t know how I would deal with a baby girl.

      1. I am the opposite to you! Same story – took years to get pregnant, and now devastated to have a boy! Why do you want a boy? What is interesting and fun about them? I see them as rough, dirty, boring, little creatures who are obsessed with their own dick. Please tell me so I can try to get excited. And then I will share all the awesome things about having a daughter (which I may never have.)

  25. I am a mum of 4 little boys and I love them so much but I am currently pregnant with my 5th child and I have a 3d scan for a weeks time and I am so scared that it is another boy, so much so that I have barely slept in 3 weeks since I booked the appointment and before that I was nervous because I thought something might be wrong with the baby. the baby is fine and that’s when I booked the 3d ultrasound and now I am so scared and anxious about it being a boy. I am very thankful the baby is ok but I previously had a bad experience with my last boy it took me 3 days to even want to be near him even though I had to be. I want and need a little girl because I have never had any sort of relationship with my mother and I am happy about that. she was not supposed to be a mother but now I feel I need to prove to myself that I can be a better mum to my daughter than she was. I know I am good to my boys because I do my best and they are great boys. I just don’t know if I can recover from another boy. I want the pink dresses, the dolls, the pink, I want to be driven crazy by princess movies and girls toys and teenage girl attitude. I see all my friends and family with girls and it hurts to be around little girls, around pink dresses and seeing little baby girls they all make me cry, I just do my best to hold it all in so much so my partner didn’t notice til I told him. I know what people say and it drives me crazy the whole be happy its healthy, be happy you can have kids, be happy it has 10 fingers and 10 toes, blah, blah, blah, please don’t say this to me I know and I am so happy that my baby is fine that is my greatest relief and the baby has everything it should. I just don’t think my emotions can handle another boy. everyone thinks I’m being a bitch I promise I’m not, I am getting support for this. I’m just still super scared.

    1. Trust me… I don’t blame you for feeling this way at all.
      Having 4 boys would be my absolute nightmare and I would probably run away from home. I can’t handle that. So much filth and dirt. I just found out its a boy and I am devastated – I would rather have no child at all than a boy. And I don’t even dare to try for another one, because it might be a second boy…
      Please tell me some positive things about your boys because I can’t see anything nice or interesting about having a boy..

      1. Hi Phoenixx. I know this is a late reply but having read your multiple posts breaks my heart. You sound so scared. But let me reassure you that as a mother of two boys they are both the love of my life and I wouldn’t change them for all the girls on the world. I assume by now you have given birth to your precious boy. Im curious to know how you’re feeling now?

      2. Really? This is so harsh.i would never say that.you should be sorry for saying such a statement.’ Would rather have no child than having a boy’.this is a very big statement.i really feel sorry for that kid.
        I know gender disspointment happens and it’s real but for someone to say this.this is way beyond.Am sorry to say but after this statement am not sure any more u will get that girl that u badly want.we all suffer gender disspointments but we wouldn’t go the extra mile to say this.

  26. I read all your stories…I can’t claim that mine is harder situation thsn yours..but get this……….
    I’m a mother of 3 little girls…..& this fourth one I” carrying…has been determined to be a girl as well…by the regular Ultrasound…& a 3d U/S.
    what sm I supposed to do? My hubby had suggested that we get gender selection this time to get a boy…or even twin boys. But I was determined that God’d give me the natural way.
    Now I have no excitement….this is my last month..& deep down…I don’t want to go thru the same exp all overagain. I haven’t picked out a name..didnt do any shopping ..as if its a girl then I already have tonnes of outfits….& really hoping for a boy. But 2 U/S can’t be wrong eh?
    Has anyone had gender selection?? Does it work? Plz let me know where I can findout facts abt gender selection.
    Just really really sad……:(

    1. I am the opposite to you! Same story – took years to get pregnant, and now devastated to have a boy! Why do you want a boy? What is interesting and fun about them? I see them as rough, dirty, boring, little creatures who are obsessed with their own dick. Please tell me so I can try to get excited. And then I will share all the awesome things about having a daughter (which I may never have.) –

      1. Hubby already has a son from a previous relationship and for him to have a girl is like having a matching set (secretly flipping the bird at him ^_^) . However, his son and I are like water and oil, and acts like he grew up with wolves. When I found out I was having a girl, I lost all interest in my pregnancy and lashed out violently (hormones are to blame). I wanted to show my hubby a real boy that loves science and be like a gentleman. All of this was my upbringing of valuing being smart and sophisticated, while having fun being a kid. So can related to Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek, The Doctor from Doctor Who. The thought of seeing pink, frilly laces, nail-polish and girly talk makes me shudder in disgust. I’m an aunt of three nieces and love my girls to bits but they are “girly” because I can’t relate and had bad relationships with girls. To me girls are petty, obsessive with their looks (hair, nails, and clothes), easily become jealous and bully other girls who are not like them (this happened to me a lot when I was in school) and conversations can get dull (my niece knows the latest celebrity gossip but no idea what a boson higgs particle is).
        I am happy to hear the PROS of having a girl.

  27. I’m having my third boy with some feelings of loss about not having a daughter-however, I’m feeling so curious about what it might be like to have three boys, so, mostly excited with some waves of sadness. I came to this thread to see if my feelings were normal and for the most part I think we are all in the same boat. We love our kids, but imagined something different for our future. I want to add that I have been a bit taken back by some of the awful comments made about boys on this thread. Boys, raised with love, just like girls, are amazing. Please be a bit more thoughtful and sensitive with your words. Just like it wouldn’t be acceptable to stereotype a certain race, sexual orientation or ethnicity-it is unacceptable, and naive to generalize those individuals that are born as males. I am one of 6 kids, my husband one of 8 with 6 brothers and between the two of us there are 32 nieces and nephews, with more nephews than nieces. The little boys in our families don’t just sit around and play with their “dicks” (as someone put it) they aren’t disgusting and they aren’t insensitive and they are SO far from boring. If that’s what you are expecting from your boy, then maybe that’s what you’ll create. I’m so proud of my boys everyday.

  28. Growing up, I was very close with my little brother and not very close with my older sister. I wasn’t sure I wanted my own kids, but I always planned to adopt a little boy. When I fell so deeply in love with my husband, I decided I wanted to have kids with him. After two years of trying, we were lucky enough to get pregnant. We decided not to find out the gender ahead of time but I badly wanted a little boy, and I felt very sure I was pregnant with a little boy. It was just my intuition. On D-day, when my little boy was born and placed in my arms, he was exactly who I imagined. I felt like I already knew him.
    We decided to have one more child, and this time got pregnant before we even started trying. I didn’t care about the gender this time. A little boy would be a great playmate for my son, and a little girl would be a wonderful balance in our family. I didn’t care, yet, just like when I was pregnant with my son, I felt very sure I knew my baby’s gender. My intuition told me I was having a girl. I bonded to her. I picked her name. Just like with my son, I felt like I knew her. Yesterday was our 20 week ultrasound, and we asked the technician to write the gender down and put it in an envelope. We wanted the option of finding out for sure, simply so we could say with certainty to our son, “Are you ready to meet your little sister?” But I already knew it was a girl.
    When we opened our envelope late last night in the privacy of our home and it said I was pregnant with another boy, I felt this giant, almost unfathomable loss. I felt like she was real, and she was mine, but somehow she just got wiped away from existence. This morning I woke up feeling like she was replaced in my belly with a stranger. I don’t know how I let myself get so carried away with my supposed “intuition.” I’m so angry at myself. I feel horrible for this innocent little baby boy in my belly who I haven’t been actively loving, because all along I thought he was someone else. And I’m mourning a loss that isn’t even real. My little baby girl was never real, and she never will be, because this will be my last child. I’m devastated. We had originally planned to not find out the gender until we were holding our second child in our arms, so at least now I can face my “loss” ahead of time and be emotionally prepared to hold my second son.

  29. I’ve found some comfort in reading everyone else’s stories. I feel like a horrible person for not wanting the gender I’m having. I’m 30 weeks and ultrasound says girl. This pregnancy was unplanned, I was on the pill. After getting over the fact that I indeed am pregnant, I had thoughts and hopes of a boy. I relate to boys easier. I’d rather play in the mud, wrestle and play football than do nails and go shopping. My fiance (engaged before the pregnancy) already has a 7 year old daughter from another mother. I wanted to give him a boy. A boy to play sports with. Sounds weird, but I don’t want the new girl be compared to his daughter already. I don’t want to be compared to his ex. One of the only nice things he can say about her is she is an incredible mother. She always wanted children and always dreamed of a girl. She got it. I’ve never wanted kids. Somehow going through all the body changes, getting fat and financial changes would be worth it for a boy and not a girl. He says he wanted a boy, but will love the new girl just as much. I guess I should be thankful he is supportive. I’m scared to death to raise a girl. I’m afraid even when I give birth I won’t love her. After finding out it was a girl, I feel disconnected and like I’m just carrying a parasite. This will be my only child, as I do not want to be pregnant again. Not to mention, he didn’t want a second child, much less a third. I’m having a hard time coping with the fact that I’ll never get to raise a little boy. My (future) husband and I will never get to teach him how to be a gentleman like his dad. The world needs more men who know how to be real men, men who respect and treat a woman right. I wanted to contribute to that. I wanted a boy to carry on the family name. I wanted a son.

    1. “I’m having a hard time coping with the fact that I’ll never get to raise a little boy. My (future) husband and I will never get to teach him how to be a gentleman like his dad. The world needs more men who know how to be real men, men who respect and treat a woman right. I wanted to contribute to that. I wanted a boy to carry on the family name. I wanted a son.”

      Dear SecretlySad,

      That paragraph rang true for me. Me and hubby grew up on a culture that men carry on the family name and real men are gentlemen. Not that girls aren’t important or special, but it feels right. I’m the last of my father’s lineage and there are times I wished I was a boy to carry that on and I know how to treat a lady far better than the male counterparts. My papa loves me very much but I have that “what if?”. I do hope me and hubby try again for another baby and hope the next be a boy. I want to pass on the knowledge my father gave me to another boy. I have a stepson but his mother is not the best in raising a boy to be proper. She’s not exactly a bad mother, but she has too many faults and it’s making me and hubby work twice as hard to raise him to be a gentleman. His son and I are like oil and water. How can I impart man wisdom if he constantly fights me. Its tough enough my European-like culture differs from a North American.
      When I found out I was having a girl, I thought “Not again!!!” My brother has 3 daughters who are extremely girlie-girlie while I am a borderline-tomboy. A day spent with all the females together, such as my mom, sister-in law, and the girls, leaves me wanting to watch horror flicks, science documentaries and comic books by the end of the visit. Don’t get me wrong, they are the best and loving women, but the conversation is dull. So another girl they may try to influence to the pink side makes me shudder. I’m really trying not to shudder at the thought how they will set up the baby shower and gifts that are so girlie (I shop for my nieces and the stuff out there are frightfully girlie). Laughs, I cringed watching Frozen (in my opinion was a terrible Princess Disney movie and I like watching cartoons) and had to listen to my niece belt out the song, “Let it Go.” Still shudders.
      When dreams of having a boy to counter-balance the girliness and impart male wisdom was shattered…I cried, got angry with my hubby (who doesn’t understand why I’m angry because he already has a boy who worships his father and detest me). Blew up on my mom and made her cry, and lost all interest in being pregnant.
      All this made worse with guilt…how can I be so cruel to an innocent. This all goes against my philosophy to be a kind and loving person and soon-to-be mother.
      The hardest life lesson that I had to revisit was to accept the cards that was dealt to me and forgive myself. I didn’t want to touch my belly, I didn’t want to speak her name. I wore clothes to hide my pregnancy and deny I’m having a girl.
      Slowly and very painfully, I started talking to my innocent little girl. I looked down on my belly and told her how I felt. I cried and touched my belly and told her that I couldn’t pass down a family name. I can’t teach you how to be a gentleman and will not be buying boy clothes. I can only hope you will like science and documentaries. If not, I must love and accept my girlie girl and still pray she will grown out of it. My dear girl, I hope you can convince your father to have another baby in the future and the womb you are in now, a baby brother share the same place in the future.

      SecretlySad…keep talking to your little girl. Keep touching your belly and tell her your secret as I have done with mine. I still mourn for not having a boy but forgive your mother until she gets better. Never doubt that I won’t love you. SecretlySad, it’s okay (spiritually holding your hands). It’s really shitty now, but all will be okay. Call your girl’s name and talk to her. It will feel like your yanking your teeth out without anesthetics, but trust yourself to heal from the hurt of not having a boy. Teary laugh..who knows, your girl may successfully ask daddy for a baby brother and that wish comes true.

      Peace and love to all of you moms.

  30. I already have 2 boys and currently pregnant with my 3rd. I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. Our big ultrasound is in a few days however we were able to get sneak in by a friends mom and had a private ultrasound at 18 weeks. I was pretty confident that this one was going to be a girl that I have longed for. Had all the signs and dreams about this one was a girl. I started to believe that I was going to have a girl. During the ultrasound at the 18 weeks with this baby was sitting and was being stubborn and I started to get really excited than I moved my head to look at my husband and my two boys and my friends mom gave me the motion of another boy. I was shocked, speechless and tried to hide my emotions but I was now sad, pissed off, and all I wanted to do was to cry and hoped she was lying. I felt like I got robbed.It took me almost over a year to convince my husband to try for a girl. He wouldn’t really listen to me on tips for he was all about natural resources and would get upset with me if I brought it up in conversation. And he said if we ever got pregnant again it would be our last. So my frustration was while finally getting him on board but when we started to start trying he became more mad, frustrated with our two boys and now I’m upset that it started with me wanting to try for a girl and thought if its a girl it would all be worth it. So when she mentioned to me that we were having another boy I shut down. I started doubting her I started to look at other ultrasounds on the internet to make sense of it all cause the one picture she printed didn’t look like a boy parts. Then when I saw a picture similar to this one I was getting angry, cried and couldn’t look at my husband that he couldn’t give me a girl. I didn’t talk to him for almost a week. Didn’t want nothing to do with him, but mainly because I felt like he been absent this whole pregnancy with his attitude and I still having a hard time dealing with this. I still catch myself looking at ultrasounds to see if maybe she was wrong or had a horrible ultrasound machine. And resenting of being pregnant in the first place. I keep telling everyone “As long as this baby is healthy I will be okay” and when people ask what we are having I lie and say I don’t know, and try and make a joke saying “I say I have 75% chance it will be another boy so I’m not going to find out” when the truth is I don’t want to believe that we are having another boy and how unfair that my friends have boys and girls and my two older brothers have a boy and a girl. It sucks to feel this way, for all I want to be happy that the baby is healthy but I can’t shake that this baby doesn’t feel wanted. Because I know if we found out we were having a girl we would be shouting it off roof tops and making a big deal over it. I would be painting a room and buying new clothes and finally be able to get rid of the baby boy clothes that we held onto for the last 7 years. I feel like ever since I found out we were having our 3rd boy I can’t shake the feeling I’m going to be disconnected with everyone including the 2 boys I have now. I’m fighting with myself to keep my routine up and be there for my kids and sing my boys to sleep but I just really want to be left alone and away from everyone. Plus, (tmi) I am actually thankful for having an yeast infection so I can avoid having sex when I once enjoyed just to avoid my husband touch. I first wanted a boy for my husband sake and when we found out our 2nd was going to be a boy I was sad at the ultrasound but faked it through, and got over it within a day. But this 3rd one I can’t shake the feeling and now this baby is going to enter the world with a mother that secretly wanted a girl so bad that now has no connection with the baby and fears it will stay that way when this baby makes its arrival. As I type this brings me to tears, as I hear my husband yelling at the boys. I felt like if we found out it we were having a girl our whole attitudes would have been different. Happy, excited, we would be telling everyone including our kids be wanting to share the news and now I feel like hiding it and wanting it to be a dream instead of reality. As writing this makes me feel like a horrible mom/parent to express my emotions. How is that fair to this baby? I can’t talked even convince myself in maybe my next pregnancy because this is our last.

  31. Words can not express how much reading all your stories has helped.
    I’m 20 weeks along and have only just had my ultrasound a few hours ago. Words can not describe the emotions I felt lying there on that table being excited and happy and almost cold and indifferent an I’m not gonna lie I hated myself for it and still do some what.

    This is my first pregnancy and it was planed. My partner and I were over the moon when we found out. As we’d only been trying for 3 months. where as friends of ours had been trying for years and had to go through IVF and 3 miscarriage before their beautiful rainbow baby finally arrived.

    I had been told by a physic years ago I’d have a girl first. Had personally seen a vision of me and a person who has a striking resemblance to my partner, tending to a baby girl. I’d always had this image of having a girl first. So when we fell pregnant I was sure it was a girl, my partner was too. Most of my family and friends had picked girl as well, but there was a few who had picked boy. But my brain had convinced me I was having a girl. So today laying there excited and nervous to find out what the gender was we waiting…. after a few checks of some stuff she had the words that made my heart almost stop and the breath completely sucked out of me…
    It’s a baby boy….
    I could think, I couldn’t breath.
    My partner was shocked but smiling next to me but I couldn’t smile. We both announced our surprise but said nothing more. I shut off. I stopped listening to what she was saying. I wanted to get out of there I was done I didn’t was to be seen. She kept saying he and it just didn’t feel right I felt so disconnected from myself in that moment, I didn’t understand why I was being so emotional about it. My brain went into hyper mode. I have anxiety and depression normally have for years so this triggers an episode… worse case scenario start flung around my head. Pulling all possible possibilities into my brain. I’m just dead silent through almost the rest of the ultrasound, and my heads like she’s knows your unhappy. I bet she know and she’s just trying to make you feel better. I went into denial. Maybe she saw it wrong. But she went back to check to rub it in.. I get it lady… 101% a boy … thanks…

    I had said to myself I don’t care as long as they are healthy… and I also asked that they be born with the right bits to match their brain so they don’t have to go through that either… but f+#$ that hit me for 6. My partner knew I wasn’t right he could just tell. We got to the car and I broke down. I couldn’t process it. My mind just hadn’t and couldn’t catch up with the information we’d been given. I cried most of the way home. I felt horrible.

    We have a HEALTHY Baby BOY it was and should me an amazing and happy wonderful time. But my brain is so focused on the fact that it wasn’t the girl I expect. I kept thinking I can’t be upset how many women are crying right now because they can’t get pregnant or have just lost a child. I went through all those stages.
    I got home felt numb, I cried some more. My partner and I talked, he tried so desperately to comfort me. I cleaned out all the girl orientated clothes we had collected. wrote in my diary cried some more, hated myself and then I typed in those magic words
    How to deal with gender … and disappointment popped up… I’m glad I’m not alone as shit as this feeling is. I hope you all get through it too. To anyone new out there know you aren’t alone. It happens and it’s shit but we move on and we adapt. I now just have to adjust my settings by a fraction. I’m going to have a boy, and I’m going to raise and amazing boy. Hopefully one day we will be able to give him a little sister

  32. Thank you to all of the moms out there who have shared your stories in spite of the shame many of us feel for feeling disappointment upon finding out the sex of our healthy babies. This has been a hard day for me and I’m taking some comfort in learning that I am not the only one experiencing these shocking feelings of devastation after finding out at 15 weeks that my second baby is a boy. I already have a 10 year old boy who I love with all of my heart. He became special needs at the age of 2 after suffering from a rare seizure disorder that kills 95% of babies diagnosed. This was not genetic but is believed to have been a highly rare neurological reaction triggered by the combo of vaccines he received at 15 months. Anyway, fast forward 8 years later, my son is alive, healthy and happy, but he is severely developmentally delayed, autistic and has a myriad of developmental disabilities caused my the brain damage of the seizures (called infantile spasms). It’s been a beautiful but hard path for me which I have had to navigate as a single parent. I’ve given up my career to care for him, and so much more. I have always dreamed of having a little girl, but since my son became disabled I haven’t cared much about having more children because caring for him is utterly consuming. I was ok with the idea of not having more children, although raising a little girl was always a fantasy that occupied a special place in my heart and mind. Still, oddly enough, I was elated and not scared at all when I recently found out I was pregnant. I’m older now and have a good partner, and after what I’ve been through with my son, nothing really phases me anymore. I had this feeling deep down inside that this time around my experience of motherhood would be different, perhaps the new baby would balance out all that I have been through and bring a new kind of joy and fun to the experience of parenting. Part of this feeling was tied to the knowing that this time God/the Universe/ my Ancestors would gift me with the baby girl I’ve always dreamed of having. I could imagine her sweet face in my mind, I fantasized about our special connection and even had a name picked out for her months ago…. Well. my imagined world all came crashing down today. I went to my 15 week prenatal appointment and the results from my blood test had come in, which reveal the sex. The doctor asked me several times if I was sure I wanted to know. “YES” I exclaimed eagerly, and he told me it was a boy. Like many of you, I stopped listening after that and sort of entered a state of shock, meanwhile, trying to hide my disappointment to not seem like an awful ungrateful person. He could tell I was sad and kept saying “but the best news in all of this is that your genetic testing results came back perfect.” I AM thankful for this, especially knowing first hand the complications of raising a child with abnormalities or special needs, but somehow that good news was no comfort at all. I’m absolutely devastated and have been crying all day. I lost my appetite today and the vibrancy I have been feeling throughout the pregnancy. I feel like all of my hopes and dreams for my rainbow child have been stomped on and my colorful world suddenly turned grey. I feel irritable towards my son for no reason and irritated that new baby’s father wanted a boy and will now get his wish while my dreams are crushed. I’m not a jealous person or a self-victimizing person or someone who typically wallows in their own misery, but I feel like all of those things right now and then some. I feel like after all I’ve been through and the sacrifice, I deserved this simple wish of having a girl and now even that has been ripped from me. I feel hopeless now, like how will life ever be beautiful or worth it without her? I feel like my world has turned grim in an instant and I’m destined to a life of misery. This causes me tremendous guilt and also, as a professor of critical race and gender studies I question why I would tie all of these feelings into the sex of an innocent unborn child who’s being still in the process of forming, when we know that the notion itself of “gender” is a social construction. At the end of the day, I’m human and I suppose I’ve internalized the gender conforming ideas we learn in our societies, despite being about to deconstruct many of these ideas and binaries intellectually. All I know is that I feel very blue. Like so many of you have expressed, in an instant I lost the strong bond and beautiful maternal connection I was feeling to my baby when I imagined her as a girl. It’s like I’m mad at this boy that shattered my fantasy, even though it’s not his fault….my feelings are beyond illogical. I’m afraid I won’t be as nurturing and protective of my pregnancy now because I just don’t care anymore. It’s like feeling the need to retaliate because I’m mad and sad and disappointing even though it’s utterly non-nonsensical and unfair. This is the first day and hopefully soon these feelings will subside. But if I can’t drag myself out of this funk soon, I think I will need to reach out for professional help. Any words of understanding or advice anyone could offer me would be so appreciated at this time! And if anyone could share their experiences of seeking professional help around gender disappointment/depression, that would be amazing and likely benefit many of us on this forum. Thank you mamas 🙂 Love and light to all of you and your children

    1. Sorry to hear your sadness. I can totally relate. Finding out the gender of my second son in pregnancy, took the joy out of it for sure and I felt very deflated and flat. However, he is truly the love of my life, the sweetest and kindest boy going. But that’s not to say I don’t still long for a daughter. But it’s not painful as it used to be. I just hope one day to have gorgeous daughter in laws I can bond with. And I have 2 god daughters. I do think your sadness is totally natural though. It will be a very different experience for you this time though. You deserve every happiness.

  33. I have 2 boys (4 and 7) who are the loves of my life. To the pregnant mothers who don’t think they can relate to boys, I can assure there are so many positives in having sons- they are so loving, so straight forward and fun. They bring a lot of joy to my life and (on my part) much less worry. However, my longing for a girl (although no longer unbearable) has never gone. I too balled my eyes out at my 20 week scan with my youngest. I felt so embarrassed in front of the sonographer when some parents receive terrible news and here I was with a healthy baby, but I felt heart broken. And then I felt depressed for the rest of the pregnancy. However, that little baby is now 4 and is truly is the light of my life. We are so close. Just been cuddling on the sofa together. We tried for no 3 and did things to sway the result but had 2 miscarriages. My husband said last summer we are not too old and he doesn’t want anymore (we are now nearly mid 40s). I felt depressed for 2 weeks but now nearly a year on, I’m okay on the most part. However, today I found out a friend of 2 boys had her 3rd child which is a girl and the familiar pain in the pit of my stomach has returned. I now plan to foster a girl at some point so I can experience having a female in the house (as my husband doesn’t want to adopt) and it would be helping a child out. Here’s hoping that helps one day.

  34. I’m having my first child and just found out I’m having a girl. My husband and I have only ever wanted to have one child, we are starting late i’m 34. I’ve always dreamed of having a little boy since I was little and it never really crossed my mind I would have a girl. I’m not enjoying my pregnancy (sickness, restrictions etc) and don’t think I could do it all over again to try for a boy esp with 50/50 odds. I’m ashamed to say I was gutted when I heard it was a girl, I feel terrible for feeling like this and horrified that tbh I now feel somewhat detached from my pregnancy, where as I was madly excited before. It’s horrible faking being happy when people are clucking over the news. I’m sure I will feel differently when my child is in my arms but at the moment I feel kind of hollow.

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